Gonna try to keep this short. 14 years together and everything’s been great and we still have a great sex life. Before her I was bi. Was with six men and three trans women but only bottomed twice and I’ve always been turned on by dicks cuz they’re hot AF. Started pegging 6 years ago, do it maybe once a month and always on the rare occasion she gets drunk. Been asking her for a while if she could be dominant and even have me suck the strap on, treat me like a cock whore and just so much other dirty sub/dom stuff I’m embarrassed asking/admitting it when we peg. Well she’s not into that at all and after enough asking she gave me permission to seek out men and trans. Only a couple of big rules; has to be safe with regular testing, not at home, and no one we know. All reasonable rules and I do want all them myself too. Especially playing safe.

I’ve had no luck on grinder. Guys are either fakes, flakes, I’m not their type or I don’t trust the situation. Even drove to a guys house tonight but it didn’t feel right so I left before even parking.

I use coke a few days a week and this is what worries me. When I’m on it I absolutely CRAVE dick! I want to do anything and everything with another guy except top them. Once I’ve had enough I start to fantasize about barebacking and breeding. It’s become the thing I fantasize doing the most and I really get turned on by doing it with random men. That’s turned into getting gangbanged by multiple random men in a dirty motel while cokes out of my mind. It’s even crept into my sober life. I haven’t watched any porn with a woman in it since she gave me permission. It’s all really hardcore bareback gay stuff. Rough stuff, dom/sub, cruising, creampie compilations, really hard and verbal gangbangs. Like, I’ve surprised myself with how much I like and want these things.

I said I want to only play safe even though I fantasize a lot about bareback and breeding and I stick by that. However, I’ve been thinking about getting a room at the local bathhouse soon and of course bringing some coke. I keep telling myself to not plan on having any sex and just checking it out. I know that won’t happen though. I think I’ll show up and just check things out at first then end up having safe sex at first. But then I’ll do just enough and get so horny I’ll end up taking and even begging for all the bare random raw cock I can get. I know I’ll have the time of my life while it’s happening but after I’ll regret it the rest of my life.

Yes I know I need to quit using. But worried that even if I quit, I’ve still opened up some deep really perverted desires that won’t go away with the coke.

Fuck, I’m so horny just admitting all this.

Thanks for reading.