the older i get, entering my 30s, i have found myself alone. i mean, proper friendless compared to when i was younger, simply because my friends are all straight, and legit all have moved through life in the 'typical' fashion & in late 20's have settled down, got married, bought a house and had children - & that lifestyle no longer includes me, at-least the way it used too. There was no fall out or anything, just constant cancelling of plans or rescheduling that went on forever, all the while they had play dates, or kids birthday parties, or couple's holidays etc all that would just make a single, gay, not yet reached that stage of life kinda guy like me feel real left out. we don't talk at all now, not even odd check-ins, or mandatory 'happy birthday' txts, just nothing, and i get it.

but the same with finding a relationship, a partner of my own, at this age, with people of my age or older, is damn near impossible lol the only people i know, and their friend of a friend or through social media or word of mouth, that is in open, shame-frame relationships n interested in that, is in the younger generation, who grew up with a so-called community, and representation everywhere and more than just being tolerated, but celebrated in their sexuality or identity etc whereas little ole me, just a few years older, didn't grow up in my formative years with that, and felt the shame, guilt, loneliness, the sneaking around for anon hook ups or 'dates' bc we could not get caught or seen or exposed, and the ones my age are still feeling that, or we grew up like that so many just seem to see it as 'normal' and a open, monogamous relationship just isn't in the cards, or if it is, it needs to be kept private, basically meaning, secret.

i just can't help but feel lonely, because of being gay, of where i live, of when i was born etc and just feel nothing but frustration that if i had just been born a few short years later, how different everything could of been...