I don’t really know where to put this. I’m in my bed just feeling totally disconnected and isolated and having so many running thoughts about gay life and dating and I don’t know who to turn to.

I’m 33. I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve had two short term dating experiences that were really great until they ended it..for whatever reasons, I never got closure. The last one was 5 years ago and really damaged my self esteem: the relationship was great, but my response to the fallout was not. I’ve spent the 5 years all through COVID working on myself, getting in shape, furthering my career, traveling etc.

I live since COVID with my parents in a small town with little to no gay scene. I won’t get into the details but my work doesn’t support me enough to live in the city anymore since the cost of living has skyrocketed. I make it out to the city once in a while and attend some gay events, but this year has been horrible: watching other people make out and party and have fun, and I’m kinda drifting….the last few events a few guys approached me, but they kinda just walked off. I watched them make out with others minutes later. It felt bad, like I’m always just hanging out in the bleachers while everyone’s playing the field. Maybe there’s something repulsive about me. Maybe I have bad juju, I really have no feedback to know.

Today really gutted me. I met someone whilst shopping and we hit it off. It was really serendipitous and I was so into him, I was so surprised by the fact someone like my type lived in my city and I’d never seen him before on dating apps or whatnot. I just really wanted to take him out to dinner and get to know him. I found out later that he’s gay but not single. Normally it wouldn’t bother me but I felt so heartbroken. It feels like the universe is constantly putting desirable but unavailable and unattainable things in front of me, and I feel like I can never manifest or actualize what I want. There’s no prospects, my career can’t get me to a place where there are some, and I feel so excluded and discounted when I watch what I want happen to others. It’s worse when the few gays I’ve met tell me how surprised they are that I’m single or haven’t dated or whatever, like I’m not meeting a common expectation so I wonder “yeah why is this not happening for me?”

I don’t think this is news or groundbreaking to anyone, but after years of dedicated work and trying to better myself I just feel like COVID and my age and my…inexperience(?) has manifested into a personability that is worse off than years prior and I’m feeling beyond frustrated. It feels like actual hopelessness that things don’t get better here on out: what’s good is gone and what’s left is a dejected experience.

I’m stuck and I guess it would be nice to not feel so isolated and alone with my experience. I try to stay positive but today really challenged me. Thanks for reading.