TRIGGER WARNING FOR SH. DO NOT READ IF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE

[If you are on this subreddit, I have made a post a week or so ago talking about how I thought my ex broke up with me to be with his friend. Well, that turned out to be true.]

My (at the time) boyfriend of two years broke up with me out of nowhere a week or so before March 1st. I had lived with him for those two years and we had a cat together. It was a serious relationship for me. He goes to NYU studying engineering. I never really liked his friends cause they were kinda of stuck up. Except this one girl. She was really nice and would actually hang out with me even though I didn’t have any friends. She was so kind.

I always thought they were close and I would make jokes that he was cheating on me with her. He would always laugh it off, though. Something about me that people say is “toxic” is that I have this weird thing where if my boyfriend is kissing/being intimate with another guy, I’m perfectly fine with it, but if they do it with a girl, I get absolutely insane jealousy. I don’t know why this is, it might have something to do with me being trans.

I always told my bf at the time that I always had a fear that a guy I loved would cheat/leave me for a girl. Well, he made all those fears come true.

I went to visit my cat today who still lives at his apartment. I went into the bedroom to grab my cats stick toy and I found….everything. Used condoms, panties….it wasn’t just any girls, though, it was HERS. I confirmed this when I went into the closet and saw her clothes in the spot where mine was.

I confronted him about it and all he said was “put the keys on the table and please leave.” Yes we have been broken up for two months, but he broke up with me out of nowhere and then kept me around for a week to “make good final memories.” He told me he still loved me and cared for me. He helped me get an apartment and made sure I was safe. After the break up, he still followed me on social media and saw my posts. He said that “the break up was hard for him too.” HOW?! How is it hard for you when you told me you weren’t gonna be in a relationship for a “long time because the break up was gonna be too hard for you”?

I’m pretty broken right now. It feels like the last two years of my life was a lie. I feel ugly and unattractive. I feel like I was used. I haven’t self harmed since middle school, but I did it the other day. That’s how bad this is gotten me. I also have been having nightmares about him and the girl. I can’t even sleep. I want to tell my therapist, but she told me if I ever self harmed, she’d call the police.