I’m (29) getting the point where it’s getting harder and harder to find my own worth at times with the way some gay men are on dating apps and hook up apps.

Mind you, I’m not even necessarily looking to date due to how my life is currently situated. I’m still getting used to me new career, a hectic and fast-paced lifestyle, with very little stability. It’s very hard to imagine trying to bring someone into my life at this given moment, and I also wouldn’t want to hurt someone due to not being able to provide a more stable partner/relationship.

So sex and fruitless encounters, right? I mean, a man gets lonely. But damn, sometimes it’s brutal.

As of late, the level of physical expectations and superficiality have left me speechless and with mounds of body dysmorphia. Within the last couple of years, I’ve done an amazing job at getting “fit”, going from 230 to 160lbs. I’ve gained a decent amount of muscle mass and look and feel great. Only to be shot down and even ridiculed. This has fueled my own body image to be so negative at times. But after a few good gym pumps, I’m feeling great again.

Faking it til I make it is becoming more difficult. And I keep rolling with the punches. I KNOW I’m attractive and look great. It’s just hard to feel it at times.

And quite frankly, I feel like I’m just making excuses at times. I keep blaming the gays in this particular city (although, that could hold some truth…) and have expressed to friends that this city isn’t healthy for me. Lots of opportunity for sex and tons of hot guys ready to break you down. I’ve even gone so far as to find blame and reason in the racial composition of the city (the area I’m in is predominantly white… imagine chiseled torsos for miles on Grindr… each Kevin and Brandon looking like brothers or carbon copies…)

And I get that I can’t and won’t be everyone’s type—that’s ridiculous to expect. It’s just painful to be reminded in rude ways.

I’ve taken breaks from the apps but find myself back on them on lonely nights. And it’s just a vicious cycle from there.

I have hobbies, I have friends, I have an exciting job, I just have physical desires as well. And I know I’m a sexual person, I’ve accepted it as not only my greatest weakness, but as one of my best strengths.

I just needed to vent. I don’t need advice but am open to whatever you may want to say. Always open to new ideas and perspectives. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Peace out ✌🏽