edit: oops guess this is nsfw because I said “hooked up,” literally started off with that lmao

I hooked up with this dude twice nearly a year ago, but we still have each other on Snapchat and would periodically talk. A year ago, I think I rebounded hard off of him, and I actually caught feelings for him that summer. It was actually pretty hard, but I eventually shook it off by... you know... doing that thing where you basically try to make someone seem bad so you can try not to like them? An example is if you and your best friend say things like, “oh he likes STAR TREK though! trust me, you don’t want to be anywhere near that” stuff like that lol

anywaaaay, we actually used to talk pretty frequently a year ago and get pretty deep too, but as I said, I kinda rebounded off of him so there was someone I went back to when the summer ended. It’s a complicated story, but either way, we had a whole phone call convo before about how it “probably wouldn’t work anyway” and whatever...thanks family! FYI I was only 19, but he was 26. Not only is there a lot of stuff that I could do like go to clubs and raves with him like he loves to do, but I basically live in lockdown anyway.

A year ago, it made me cry a bit, I think, that I felt like I could’ve had someone like me, but my home life/situation kept me from having freedom to do things. I’m starting to remember some of the stuff I told myself to try to not like him, but I’ll refrain from mentioning it to not make this post a novel.

We would still talk and flirt aaaaand a little more (but didn’t meet up in-person again though) and whatever, like when I might post a picture of myself, he’d compliment me or whatever and I feel all happy and cute and validated. yuck, my hungry ego

Anyhow, he started hitting me up yesterday, then just ghosted. We’re cool with each other, so of course I can be like, “bitch where did u go,” and trying to catch up, he tells me about a dude he fell for and how he’s hurting right now, etc... you know how those go, right?

My heart kinda wrenches now though, and my throat feels tight. I feel like I always get these come-and-go feelings for him, and now was one of those times, but it’s of course kinda hurting me hearing about how he felt about a guy instead of me aaaand blah blah blahhhhh I don’t really want to dig deep into it because maybe I’ll get teary-eyed or some shit lol

As an advocate of leaving what isn’t good for you, I would rather be a friend first and just be there for him and support him and try to help as I’m doing now. Yeah, it’s at my expense, but it would just be selfish and also sooo terrible for me to just disappear too. Feels like I have to stick it out but I’m not trying to feel all broken-hearted while stuck in my hellhome (hellhole, get it?) where I can’t cry or feel or anything

what are your thoughts and advice on how to not fall apart? lol cause I’m about to open snapchat and read what he said and continue to be there for him but of course it’s going to feel like someone is sitting on my chest even more than now