I recently broke up with my boyfriend of only 5 months. He had to be one of the most emotionally abusive people I have ever met. It took me too long to break up with him, but I finally did.

• He said I was "7/10" attractive. "Cute but you're not the best looking guy" he would tell me. "Don't be upset. 7/10 is pretty attractive." Not sure why I was upset over this, but I was. But I just shoved it back into the corner of my mind.
• He would tell me that I never made sense and that I was always wrong. He said he was the more "logical" of the both of us and that he was always right. I started to believe that it was true after a while.
• I wanted monogamy, but he wanted to sleep around. "I thought you would be more woke. Monogamy is an old concept and it is a form of control. Why do you want to control me?" I couldn't think of an argument. I gave in. I said it was fine if he slept around with other guys. When I stated that I wanted to try it too, he told me, "You're not the hookup type. You're not going to enjoy it. You're too sensitive." Yea, I guess I was.
• Told me that the sex was so bad between us, and blamed it on me not being able to top him. "You just can't give me what I want. I don't want to have sex with you. There's nothing wrong with that. We're still emotionally compatible." Again, I thought it was my fault.
• He's a white guy. I confessed that I felt a little discriminated against at a club at some point. He stated, "Are you sure that's not just you? It's cool to be different nowadays. It sucks being white. You're just being selfish and wanting attention."
• His Grindr notification was going off at some point during the night. I asked if he could put it away. Mentioned that I tried hooking up on Grindr at some point, but people didn't tend to like me very much. Kept telling me they weren't into Asians. "Yea, people like white guys a lot. It sucks to be Asian." I looked at him for support, but he snapped at me. "What do you want me to do? I can't change their mind. That's just how the world is. You have to deal with it. I'm white so I can't understand what you're going through." I gave up and just went to sleep.
• He would push me or hit me sometimes. He slapped me at one point. I forget what the circumstances were. I try not to remember it.
• "Your friends probably hate me, huh?' he asked me one day. I told him, honestly, that my friends didn't really like him for me, but I was willing to still pursue the relationship. "Your friends are so stupid." My best friend asked me text her when I got home. I told him about that. "That's so dumb. Why would she want a text from you if you got home or not? If you died, a text wouldn't do anything to help you. You'd be dead. People need to use their brain." I guess it made sense.

Eventually, the pain was too much and I reached a breaking point. I'm a nurse and I deal with patient abuse a lot, and combined with how abusive my father was, I have a high tolerance for it. But eventually, the relationship was reversing the years of confidence-building I was making for myself. I ended it, and it was terrible. He cried in my arms in a way that I have never seen him cry before, and I felt so bad, but I knew I had to take care of myself.

My question is: despite how terrible he was to me, why do I still love him?

I have been in three relationships. The first two boyfriends treated me so well and I had such an easier time getting over them, but this one? It's been two months and I feel like I haven't moved on. I feel like picking up the phone and checking if he's okay. If I like going to his apartment and cuddling with him again.

Am I weak? What's wrong with me? This makes no sense.