Welcome!

I'm sorry you're here, but I hope this can help you find your footing in this rough place that you're in.

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Is my loved one addicted to gaming?

If you're here, you've been wondering if your loved on is addicted to gaming. You've probably waffled back and forth about how much of a big deal it really is, especially if they seem to mostly be functional - going to school, going to work, maintaining a façade of normalcy outside the home.

Take a look at this self test and see how many of these points apply to the gamer in your life.

This set of questions may also be helpful in evaluating a loved ones gaming.

Do these points sound familiar? Were you able to check off a number of them? Then it is quite probable that your loved on has an addiction.

This list may inspire you to talk to them immediately, and show them the list. While I'm not saying you should NOT do that, you should keep in mind that it is likely that their reaction will be very negative and involve denial and/or excuses. Accusations that you're exaggerating. Telling you you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Flat out refusal to look at the list and consider there is a problem.

The choice to share with them is yours. Please prepare yourself for a negative reaction (maybe even the most negative and furious reaction you've ever seen from them) and keep in mind that most people do not take it when when someone they love comes to them and tells them they think they're suffering from an addiction.

So, other than telling them, what can you do?

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The three C's of addiction can help you to start to find a way forward:

1. You didn't cause the addiction
2. You can't control the addiction
3. You can't cure the addiction

Your responsibilities lie elsewhere. Your primary responsibility is to stop enabling the gamer in your life, and learn about co-dependency, and how you may have inadvertently enabled or become co-dependent with your gamer loved one. I know, I know, you're not enabling. You're furious. You've told them you're furious and unhappy. You've told them you need them. You know they know they have a problem. So how could you possibly be enabling them?

Do you cook for your gamer? Do their laundry? Take care of their responsibilities for them? Make excuses at family functions for them? Do you lend them money? Remind them of important appointments or make them for them?

These are all ways of enabling. This helps keep them more comfortable and allows them to spend more time gaming without worrying about taking care of their own personal needs. It also helps them to believe in the illusion that what they're doing "isn't that big a deal" if nobody else knows about it. They need to be left to deal with the consequences of their own actions.

It is probably also time to stop arguing, crying, threatening, and trying to get their attention. Yes, these are natural - and completely understandable - responses to being neglected by a partner or seeing someone you love neglect their own life. Unfortunately, people in the grip of addiction do not have normal emotional responses. They're not able to see your desperation or frustration or unhappiness and will instead focus on your negativity taking them away from the enjoyment they get out of gaming. As your (perfectly reasonable) response rips them away from their cocoon of enjoyment, they're likely to be angry at your, or indifferent to your pain. It may also provide them further ammunition to game, as they can claim their doing it to escape from your nagging/negatively/toxicity. It also creates a power imbalance, if you're always the supplicant, desperate for their attention. Since you have established that you need them more than they need you, they may assume that your relationship is "safe" and that their behavior is "ok" - you need them more than they need you, so they can do whatever they want and you will stand for it.

So what can you? Often, the best course forward is to begin to detach and figure out what in life will fulfil you. What do you need that isn't them? How can you take care of yourself? What kinds of activities have you enjoyed previously and dropped because of your relationship? What about friends and family? Would you like to focus on your career more? Focus on yourself (and your children, if you have them). Feed yourself, pay attention to yourself, give yourself what you need. Don't try to force the gamer to join you - do what you want to do for yourself.

This sounds counterintuitive and may seem like an awful idea - why should they get to game in peace while you hold everything together? Well, to start, you're holding things together for YOU. Remember, part of this process is to stop enabling. If your gamer won't join you for meals, they can figure out their own food. If they don't do their own laundry, they'll stink. If you have friends over and they wonder why your gamer isn't joining, you can tell them the truth "S/he is busy gaming and isn't interested in joining". and if anybody has questions about that, then the gamer can deal with those questions themselves.

The end result is that you're working on taking care of yourself and seeing what kind of life you can build for yourself that makes you happy. That may involve leaving. Or it may involve sharing a household with your gamer, but living more like distant roommates. That part is up to you. The important thing is that your focus is on your interests, your needs, and your goals. Unless your gamer is willing to start joining you in focusing on those things in a partnership again, you focus on yourself and getting yourself into a good place.

Sometimes, this shift will help a gamer to come to their senses - once you're not begging for their attention, they may come to feel lonely or start to be concerned that if you don't need them, they may lose their relationship with you. They may become embarrassed or uncomfortable in their dirty clothing. If you're no longer covering for them and friends & family begin to ask them pointed questions, that may also serve as a wake-up call to how unhealthy their behavior is.

All that said, the point of focusing on you should be to help yourself. Remember, you can't control or cure this addiction. In an ideal world, your changes will help your gamer come to their senses. But it may not, in which case the best thing that comes out of this is that you are living a more fulfilling life.

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Does the idea of working on yourself instead of working on your loved one sound impossible?

If leaving your gamer to his/her own devices seems impossible (and there are no concerns about abuse), then you could also be struggling with codependence. Many loved ones of gaming addicts struggle with codependence. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it may be something that you need help and support to overcome. If you are concerned that you may be codependent, take a look at these characteristics and see how many of them resonate with you. A basic description of codependence is if you focus on the wants and needs of others, above your own wants and needs. You may have the belief that if your addict was just cured, everything would be perfect and everybody would be happy. You're always looking for someone to fix in all your relationships, or somehow fall into relationships with people who you believe you can fix.

If any of that resonates with you, then in your work towards remaking your life to be happier and and healthier, it might be crucial to work on your own codependence .

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So your loved one says they are going to stop gaming - what happens now?

Quitting addiction is hard, and a process addiction like gaming or gambling (versus a substance addiction like alcohol) is not necessarily any easier to quit. Even though the addiction does not involve a substance and withdrawal from something ingested in the body, the recovering gamer may have the same symptoms of vomiting, nausea, and shakes as well as rage, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, or insomnia. All these reactions are part of recovery, though they will be stressful and may be frightening to both you and your addicted loved one.

This list details many of the most common symptoms of giving up gaming.

As you can see, this will be a rough time for your gamer. They will need your support and encouragement. YOU will also need your own support and encouragement and it is VERY important to keep a line between supporting your partner in recovery and being made responsible for your partner in recovery.

• You are not responsible for finding resources for your loved one.
• You are not responsible for making a recovery plan for your loved one.
• You are not responsible for your loved one's feelings about recovery.
• You are not responsible for being on call 24/7 to help your loved one abstain from their addiction.

It is possible (indeed likely) that your loved one may relapse, and they blame it on you. This is sadly a normal part of recovery for many. Remember the 3 Cs: You did not cause, you cannot control, and you cannot cure their addiction. Only they can do that, and it will take time and a willingness for them to work on finding resources, support, and possibly a sponsor or group to hold them accountable.

Meanwhile, you should maintain your own mental and physical health and make sure that taking care of yourself is a priority. If you have found yourself to be codependent, then this is a time that may really test the progress you've made on yourself, as swooping in to "fix" things by taking over may be very, very appealing. Please keep in mind that at the end of the day, people who truly want to recover may need to experiment and test out different modalities of recovery for themselves, to see what works for them. There are a lot of programs available these days, all discoverable in a basic internet search: OLG-ANON, SMART, SAMHSA, LifeRing. There is also one on one therapy and some medications have been found to help people recover from gaming addiction. There are even Reddit resources like r/stopgaming for support.

The important thing to keep in mind is that while you can support someone in recovery, you cannot do it for them. If they are not ready to do the work to make changes that will enable them to get away from their addiction, you cannot force them into it.

During this time, it is important to realize that they could possibly exchange one addiction for another. Some people who give up gaming go on to pick another addiction instead. This is part of why it is so crucial for the gamer to be in charge of their own recovery; exchanging one addiction for another does not help anything and may make the situation worse.

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So what does a real recovery look like?

It really varies from person to person. Some people are extremely up front with their spouses/loved ones about what they are doing and will ask for direct, concrete, reasonable changes in your behavior/environment in order to help make recovery easier. Some examples may include making the computer part of the house less comfortable. Or - if you ever indulge in gaming - they may request that you not game when they're present, or quit entirely. It is important for you to evaluate these requests carefully and make your own decisions on if they are reasonable, healthy for you, and if they feel supportive vs making you responsible.

Others may be more private with what they are doing in their recovery and may not want to discuss details with you. Again, this is a place where you need to weigh carefully with what you're seeing and if it feels good to you. If you feel like you're not getting enough information to believe that they are truly recovering from their addiction, then couples therapy with an addiction-informed therapist may help to navigate these details in a way that feels respectful to all involved.

Generally speaking, a successful recovery involves reestablishing (or establishing for the first time) a relationship where both partners can depend on each other for support and effort to maintain a relationship that is healthy and safe to both people. This would involve a mutually-agreed upon split of responsibilities as well as time together and time apart that feels comfortable and beneficial.

The last thing to keep in mind is that this gaming addiction is not something that will be solved overnight, or in weeks, or even in months. If it took years to get as bad as it is, it may take just as long (or even longer) to get better. And you and your loved one will probably not be the same people who you were before it all started. Leave space for the idea that the person your loved one becomes in recovery may not be the person who you fell in love with, and you may no longer love them. Likewise, it is possible that as they recover, their love to you may wane for a number of reasons. This is a sad reality that sometimes affects even the most successful recovery stories.

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That's all well and good, but I'm sick of this and can't take it anymore. But if I leave, my loved one will be homeless/commit suicide/lose their friends & family/etc. What do I do?

Part of coming to terms with addiction is realizing that we can't save someone, no matter how much we love them. Setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm only delays the inevitable: some day you will burn out, and they will still be unable to keep themselves warm. The only thing that will have changed is your ability to care for yourself.

This is one of those areas where joining a support group can be very helpful. Even though it feels like one the loneliest, most alienating aspects of life and love, there are others out there who have had to let go of loved ones battling addiction, because to do otherwise would be to lose themselves too, possibly even losing their lives. Loved ones of gaming addicts can take comfort in each other, and can draw support from each other. You deserve to partake in that support, and offer it back when you have the energy.

The consequences that fall on the gaming addict after you leave are for them alone to bear. If they threaten suicide, it is appropriate to call 911 so that people more experienced with crisis can take over. Leaving a person who is addicted to gaming may become the kick in the pants they need to see their addiction for what it is. However, it's best not to leave expecting that to happen, as it may not. But many people with addiction are tenacious, and it's possible that they will do things you'd have never expected them to do (or even things they swore they would never do, like get a job) once they don't have you to fall back on.

But that's on them. The important thing is that YOU are doing what YOU need to keep YOURSELF healthy and safe. It is completely reasonable to walk away if/when you've had enough. But only you can make that decision for yourself.

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What about our children?

Children living in a home with addiction will internalize the addicted parent's behavior as normal. If possible, it is usually best to get children out of the home and (if affordable) get them into therapy. Children will run the spectrum in terms of reactions to addiction & stress, just the same as adults. Some will be immediately mostly happy to get into a more stable environment with a single loving parent. Others will hold anger and resentment for the split, and may blame the non-addicted parent as they are an easier, safer target than the addicted parent. There is no easy answer here, but the simple answer is that children do typical thrive more in a home that doesn't have a parent struggling with addiction present all the time.

If a split is happening, then documenting the gamer parent's behavior will probably be important for custody purposes. The exact type of custody split that works best will vary wildly in case to case, and may change over time. For instance, a split may be the wake-up call a gaming addicted spouse needs to improve, and over time, they may recover enough to be able to handle 50/50 custody. But in other cases, the gaming addicted spouse may react by burying themselves more deeply into their gaming addiction, necessitating them to have no custody. For some, that may be the final situation, but for others, they may come to realize that gaming isn't as fulfilling as they thought, and finally take the steps needed to overcome their addiction and become a present parent.

In all cases, the important thing is to evaluate the situation based on the past documented and present behavior. Not on promises of future behavior.

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I have another question that you haven't answered here.

Please post and ask it! I am just one person, and I am not an expert on gaming addiction. All of my writing has come from my own experience with my husband's gaming addiction, from reading the stories of other loved ones of gaming addicts, and from reading online resources for the loved ones of gaming addicts. The main reason why I created this subreddit is because there aren't nearly as many resources of gaming addicts (or the loved ones of gaming addicts) as there are for other types of addictions. Additionally, the online forums I found were often quite sparse on participation. I am hoping that Reddit, having so much bigger of a draw, will make it possible to have a bigger, more vibrantly supportive community.

So this document is meant to be a living document and be updated with more Q&A and more resources as people respond. And even if few people respond, I sincerely hope that it helps some make good, healthy decisions for themselves about how to move forward with their gamer loved one in the healthiest way possible.