Aight y'all... So it is currently 3:04am. My darling husband, precious daughter, and perfectly tolerable dogs are enjoying a peaceful, delightfully ignorant slumber whilst I was rudely awakened by an uninvited houseguest. Why is the mom the one that always gets woken up? Anyway. Y'all. I was drifting in and out of restless sleep (but sleep nonetheless), when I felt the tiniest little pinching sensation on my leg. But, I guess 23 years of living in swamp country dulled my bug-swatting reflex- because let's face it, what's the point? It wasn't alarming enough to shake me out of the twilight. Then, I experience the same sensation around my neck roughly 20 seconds later. Okay. Y'all. I'm awake. In the 1.39 seconds between experiencing said sensation and my reaction (I would say ninja-like, but who's kidding who, here), I think to myself "well I'm obviously going to die from this, somehow". The violent flailing and thrashing that ensued mimicked that of a startled elderly cat trying to get traction on a vinyl floor. Somehow I'm still the only one awake. To the flashlight feature on my phone I went. My eyes peeled through every fiber in the carpet, on the wall, under the bed/nightstand, on the bed, on my person, on the blanket. I sat there and silently stewed in my defeat... upon which time I spot a small, long, skinny bug crawling along the baseboard. The perp, if you will. My eyes narrow and my jaw clenches. This. Dick. THE NERVE. Did I kill it, you ask? One would ascertain this to be the most logical subsequent action. Not I, good sir, lest we forget my good ole' crippling anxiety and irrationality. This could be a previously undiscovered highly venomous insect localized to my town of 90,000 people in Georgia. To the Google machine! After about 3-4 minutes of searching variations of "skinny black biting insect", "long skinny insect Georgia", "small black hellspawn bug", and the like, I arrive at the undeniable identification. EARWIG? Well, that's it for me, folks. There are undoubtedly tiny earwig eggs implanted in my ear and come morning time, they will surely be feasting on what's left of my withered mom brain. It's been a good life. Somebody remind my husband to clip the hedges every six weeks to avoid the HOA fine. Just gonna sit here, wide awake... with my heebees thoroughly jeebeed... until I die. Adios, cruel, bug-infested world. Just gonna chill and wait for my demise...