I started recovery around late January/early February and EH mode started in March. I had horrible edema through most of March that was so bad my doctor prescribed diaretics to get it off of me (apparently I was a severe case and that's why my body was getting it so bad). I don't know if it's overshoot or if that's still coming, but things have settled and I'm pretty sure this is just what my body looks like now and... I absolutely hate it. I've been breaking down sobbing every day and it just feels cruel and unfair. It took me years to get my body, yet all definition, tone, physique, and stamina/fitness is gone in two months. I have no abs or muscle definition anymore. My body is all squishy and after getting cleared to exercise again, I could go for hours before and now I have to tap out after an hour max, which sucks because one of my recovery goals was to not feel "hungover" every time I exercised because I love skateboarding and wanted energy to do that more. My clothes don't fit and I have never been so humiliated in my life. I don't want to wear new ones because I'm too scared to go out in public when not necessary and I liked wearing bright, colorful, fun shirts and now I just wear my boring old shirts I sleep in because if I wear something "fun" it'll call attention to myself. I feel like I had to have abs to be a "real" man and this has just shattered what little self confidence I had and now I feel like no one will ever like me. My dietician keeps talking to me like this is just how I look and I have to deal with it and it feels just so harsh. And I know I can't diet because my body will just keep giving me EH mode and I don't know what to do. I don't want to look like this. I feel disgusting and my whole goal of recovery was to actually have energy to go places and do things I couldn't do before thanks to brain fog, low energy, and orthorexia/safe food access and now I am trying to go in public as little as possible and I just feel isolated.

It feels like I either have to look good and have my body literally failing on me and feel sick or be recovered and look like this and be isolated.