// TW detailed episode, purging, vent

I just experienced possibly the worst purge of my life. it felt like hacking up a lung. I was leaning over the toilet w my fingers down my throat for a good 10 minutes dry heaving, then sobbing because nothing was coming out. I was on the verge of a panic attack when I finally coughed something out.

I emptied myself out for a solid twenty minutes. my core ached, my head was spinning, my legs felt weak, I was still crying. I finally couldn't cough up anything else, because my diaphragm was physically too weak to heave anymore. I was holding myself up on the toilet seat by my arms, and they just gave out—I purge standing, i find it easier.

anyway, my arms gave out and my knees immediately buckled. I was just kneeling, hugging the toilet feeling absolutely ashamed and pathetic. I could barely breathe properly and suddenly everything just went dark. i only blacked out for a few minutes, I think, but I definitely lost consciousness. it was scary, but the scariest part is that I don't think this experience will deter me from purging again in future.

I practically crawled into the shower after flushing the toilet and just sat there under warm water, crying. After I felt strong enough to get up, I hobbled to the kitchen and made myself some tea and had a few biscuits—decidedly /not/ logging the calories bc I felt I deserved a small treat.

im sitting now in bed with my tea and biscuits, and never in my life have I felt so fucking pathetic. I've never felt shame so hot it seeps into my bones and creeps up my neck—uts suffocating. I've never felt so weak and out of control before and its honestly killing me.

anyway, this is just a vent. I had to get it out there. idk maybe this will deter someone from ever trying to purge. anyway