TW: Disordered eating/thoughts

Hey guys, a few months ago I was doing very well in recovery, my EH was kind of disappearing and I was starting to feel happy for once in a looong time. But as soon as the EH died down I started to restrict again (stopped eating at certain hours, etc..) and after 2-3 months of another period of restriction the disordered thoughts came back. Rewiring my brain was probably the hardest thing for me in recovery, I couldn't wrap my head around body neutrality and after putting so much work on it, it's all gone, internalized fatphobia is back and so is the fear of gaining weight. I struggle so much with binging rn, also the guilt after eating is back again and I just can't fight these thoughts, each time i binge I burst into tears and cry myself to sleep because I just hate eating this much, I hate what is happening to me and I'm so jealous of people who have a healthy relationship with food and don't have to worry about gaining weight. I feel like I'm eating out of boredom and like I'm trying to numb my feelings, Idk if this recovery anymore or just BED