Buckle up for a long one.

I’m an AMAB non-binary person and I have always been very lustful. I started watching porn too early, as happens, (I mean, it’s terrible, but it happens, you know?) and I’ve been in love with naked bodies for as long as I can remember.

Aside from family, there has never been anyone I’ve met that I didn’t want to see naked so I could admire their body. (My family disgusts me, I don’t want to get into it) Porn has felt like a godsend to me. Having the access to hundreds of new naked bodies on a daily basis, and getting to Lust over them is my happy place. I’m not ashamed of this, I enjoy and encourage my creature comforts, as long as I’m not hurting anyone non consensually and following the law, it’s alright with me.

Now I’ve been into every body type, size, and age (18 , obviously), every level of sexual imagery, from vanilla to animalistic and raw. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve developed preferences, pretty much as everyone does, for what I find most perfect about a physical body.

5 years ago I didn’t know much about what being trans was, and I’ve come a long way since then. I was identified as a cis man for 28 years. Looking back it had never once been the case that I actually felt like a man, I really didn’t even understand the concept of gender at all. I just knew people kept telling me I was a boy, I was a man, I was a male. They all were very sure, so I didn’t question it.

So I just assumed the role of boy, and then I got very depressed. Yada yada yada.. sad part sad part… boom I’m 24 I’ve discovered trans porn and this trans people, I’m gay so I’m very guy focused, hooking up on the regular, fuck yeah cool part!

I then start to notice, that I have a preference forming… I think the best, most sexually attractive, body a man can have, is one that includes a vagina. That’s, sexually, the perfect man to me. And with that, I feel shame.

I am ashamed to admit it, because it feels like the most dehumanizing, exploitative, and unloving preference I have ever had. This preference makes me feel like a bad person. I have friends now who are transmen and transmascs, and I have lewd fantasies about them which I can guarantee they are not in our friendship for, so it feels like I’m bringing a weird sexual tension to people in my real life when I wish I could just compartmentalism that better. It feels overly lustful, too animalistic.

And of course, that is the exact reason why I just want it more and more. It’s so pure and sexual that it just satisfies me to no end to be in proximity of it. It brings me to life. Just the thought of fucking a guy with a pussy makes my gender fluctuate. Going back and forth from “fucking my bros pussy” to “do you like my girl cock fucking you, sir.” That energy is my happiest happy place.

And it all relies on the existence of trans masculine people…

Do you see how it feels dehumanizing to believe such a thing, and yet here I am with the belief fully intact.

It’s a tough conundrum, and personal stress. Thanks to my naturally anxious mind, I find myself going through the shame of it pretty often, but my options for relieving the stress and anxiety are to somehow find a way to end my lustful ways, (I’ve definitely tried, nothings stuck so far. I might get my balls cut off) Or I can fulfill the fantasy entirely, make it a reality. Normalize it until it no longer feels like a targeted belief on an entire community of people, and instead is focused so well into one real life situation, that it only exists there for the people involved.

This is probably the weirdest way to say to I need a boyfriend with a vagina that’s always horny.

tl;dr: I need a boyfriend with a vagina that’s always horny, DM’s open.