I don't know whether I feel repulsed by the sex I've had or by myself in those situations, but the disgust is most definitely there.

When still presenting as female (even though identifying as nb), I ended up having sex with a few cis guys even though I have never really been into cis men. The fact that I find trans men hot as hell indicates that it's not the gender of the person but their way of being, the role they inhibit... and when it comes to sex with cis men, the roles are most definitely there.

So, I had sex with these two cis men even though I hated the fact that they saw me as a woman and treated me as a woman, not as a person. And that made me feel like a woman, and I hated it. Yet I still went along with it. In those situations, I assumed the role or the position 'of a woman' because I knew they were cis het and I wanted to turn them on. I did all the tricks that make cis het men to think I'm into what we were doing - goddamnit I even touched my own nipples even though I hate the sensation, just to give this one guy a show.

During that time I thought it was only internalised misogyny making me feel iffy, but now I know better. And I feel disgusted.

I know that the sex I had then served a function (I was horny okay), but I still wish I could take it all back since I feel repulsed by the memories. I hated the way those guys treated me but I cannot hate them since they didn't know how wrong they were doing... Really, it was me who was doing the wrong thing. I hated myself in those situations. I hate myself for letting other people to treat me in all the wrong ways. And I hate the fact that I have only myself to blame for the repulsion I feel towards myself whenever I think of my past with those cis het guys.

I'd love to have some gay sex with a hot guy some day but I honestly don't know if I'm ever able to do that since the mere thought of dicks and cis male bodies automatically makes me think of sex with cis het males. And even though I would find a nice guy to get it on with, I'm so goddamn afraid they would see me as a woman after all.

How do I fix the hurt?