This is really just gonna be rambling about my confusion about my gender identity & my personal journey trying to figure it out. Sorry in advance for any confusion amid the rambles. Any & all comments are completely welcome.

Sooo, I've understood that I am not cis for a good 6 months, technically even longer. I was on testosterone for 2 months at the beginning of April, I quit a month ago, and I'm back on it today. I started testosterone with the assumption that I'm a nonbinary person, and over time I developed my goals and an idea of what I want to look like. I stopped testosterone with the assumption that I'm genderfluid because (I'm assuming) my dysphoria was alleviated to the point to where I was comfortable enough to be feminine and even got gender euphoria from being feminine.

But now I'm starting testosterone again, due to a dramatic increase in dysphoria, & I'm starting with the idea in mind that maybe...maybe I'm really just a feminine trans man. I've always had this idea that I'm a man since I seriously started questioning my gender, and identifying as genderfluid helped me finally accept that yes in fact, sometimes I do feel like a full on man. But it's not just "sometimes". I'm realizing that it's a feeling I have a lot of the time. The idea really, really terrifies me honestly because I don't know what it means to be a man. And I don't understand how this can possibly be my reality, I'm definitely dealing with a lot of trans egg denial.

TW: mentions of chest & genital preferences in this paragraph What really confuses me is that despite the sense that I'm a man I for some reason don't care about pronouns? My pronouns are he/they/she currently. I almost get uncomfortable when people call me a boy or a man and I don't know if that's due to dysphoria or what. I also get euphoria sometimes from being feminine, but I also get even MORE euphoria from being masculine. Plus, I like having boobs, but I want them 100xs smaller than they are, damn near prepubescent. I'm going to be getting a breast reduction soon in fact. I know I want a dick (badly). I want facial hair. I want to be really muscular. I want a lot of physical changes that would make me feel aligned as a man. But at the same time, I am somewhat inherently "feminine". Is it possible to be a man and like these things? Is it possible to be a trans man who doesnt care about pronouns, likes having (small) boobs, and stuff like that? I'm just so damn confused lol.

I don't know that many trans men, I don't know how some trans men experience their bodies & prefer their bodies to be. I don't know many feminine trans men, or just trans men in general. So I don't know if any of this is relatable...

Definitely tell me if you relate to anything I've said, I'd love to hear from you and know I'm not alone.Thank you for reading through my puddle of nonsense.