I am so so so so so sorry if I am triggering someone but I am in a very dark place at the moment. I have always had a complex relationship to my body, food and excercise. As a teenager I used to starve myself, and even though I am no longer underweight or in risk of starving, my weight goes up in a second if I eat a bit extra. Guess my body just wants to absorb all the calories in order to make sure I won't end up dead if I end up starving in the future. Stupid smart body.

And it's difficult, living pre op pre T not knowing if I'll ever get a chance to truly feel like me. Right now, I feel like I'm going to throw up every time I look in the mirror. I hate how feminine my body looks and feels, and I hate that I don't have enough energy to work out (mental health issues...). It's all so much I almost miss my ED. Of course, disordered eating is no alternative, but the will is most definitely there.

Some encouraging words would be needed, please. And thank you.