A friend of mine recommended Reddit as I’ve been struggling with someone for about a year as a transman but recently it’s been consuming my thoughts because of comments a few different men have made. As a heads up this is about hooking up, and some quotes are used explaining graphic things that have been said to me.

To paint the picture, I’m a 24 year old transman that’s been on T for about 6 years now. My voice is lovely, my breasts were never big but I did have top surgery back in 2020, however my bottom surgery is only in the initial stage. I don’t get “confused” as a woman very often, honestly can’t remember the last time someone had to correct themselves. While I love women and most are very open to me using a strap-on during our play sessions there is another desire I have… and that’s being penetrated by a real penis (I.e. a cis gendered man).

I remember when I was 17, months before starting on T, I thought to myself “maybe I should be with a man once to make sure I’m 100% about this”. Short story short, I am 100% a man, and that’s not to speak poorly of the time I lost my virginity, it felt amazing. It just didn’t change the fact that I’m in the wrong body. Fast forward to 2020 after my top surgery I hadn’t been with a man in anyway in 2.5 years. However, I was in college and I met this really kind queer cisgendered man that made me feel so comfortable in my skin, respected my pronouns and just kind of made me start feeling something for him. After performing fellatio on him a few times over the course of maybe 1.5 months, I finally gave in and began engaging in vaginal penetration with him. The situationship lasted about 4 months before I just started having a lot of doubts and anxiety that I wasn’t being true to myself.

Just over a year ago I began to engage in vaginal penetration with men again. My friends and the men I meet in the wild are very kind to me and treat me “like one of the boys” most times they never even suspect that I have a vagina. Now it’s not very often, Its maybe once every other month or once every three months that I actually find a guy who I’m open to vaginal penetration with and even when I do it’s only a one time hookup. Other than that, I don’t hook up or romantically involved myself with men. But I’m having issues and I’ve talked about it in therapy, I’ve talked to some friends who I trust about it but I just don’t know how to feel or what to do anymore because when I’m hooking up with these guys at the end of the hook up a lot of the time they all say things like “you have an amazing pussy, you shouldn’t switch” or “are you sure you want to give this up?”.

I do want to give it up and I want to fully commit and have all surgery’s necessary to live my life fully as an inwardly and outwardly presenting male but something in me still loves having my vagina penetrated by a real penis while I still have my vagina that is. I guess what I am reaching out and writing all of this for is I’m wondering if I’m alone or if other people who are in my similar situation, have similar thoughts and feelings, and allow this to happen with cis gendered men? If you struggled with this the way that I’m struggling with this and you have any tips or recommendations on things that I can try or do or specific groups that I could bring this up in then please do recommend something. I don’t know if this is normal or if I’m just overthinking things. Thank you in advance!