I’m nearing 5 months now. When i first started, both the sex drive and confidence definitely got high. I felt great, euphoric. Then after the 3 month mark, it kinda plummeted.

It’s like I feel disconnected to myself (I always have, but it’s louder now because I can’t hide or dissociate). I haven’t had much changes, and the ones i did get don’t make me dysphoric. I do like them. Enjoying the voice drop, the hair. However starting T has made my chest dysphoria even worst.

I just can’t shake this feeling of discomfort. I have this imposter syndrome. I feel like I’m just a weird autist girl using medical intervention, and I don’t look or pass as anything. I get anxiety going out, cus I feel like it’s obvious I’m some lost soul that doesn’t know who or what I am. I’m having trouble accepting myself. I feel monstrous. It’s making me mentally check out, I don’t get horny, I don’t connect. Anytime my partner affirms me with saying I’m handsome or something of that sort, I just feel worst. Like I’m delusional and being enabled, and it’s like..their “good deed” to make them feel like a good person and ally. None of it feels real, or like there’s a point in all this. I feel like I’m putting energy and work into something surface level, I feel guilty and self absorbed. I just want to live my life without thinking about gender all the time. I thought transitioning would help, and maybe it will. I’m just at this weird point where I’m truly androgynous and people cant read or know what I am, and that fills me with social anxiety and dread. Like a spotlight is always on me.

I feel like maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready to transition, but I opened a can of worms and going back and stopping is only gonna make me feel worst. At least before I transitioned, I could just live quietly in my cocoon and pretend nothing was wrong.

To clarify, I don’t think I’m not trans. I just think I have a hard time with change, and the feeling of being “othered”. And I have a hard time accepting having to medically alter myself to feel like me. I have no doubts that if I could get over those mental hang ups, I could be okay. I just feel lost and impatient. Existential.