TW/CW: Sex, drugs, RP, violent acts, dysphoria

Hello, I’m new to this community on this profile which is my naughty secret profile. You see, I’ve always considered myself straight (or lesbian back in the day) but have been lustful for penises since maybe 20 years old. I’m 30 now, happily in a monogamous marriage with a woman I’m absolutely attracted to, and have only dated women since sophomore year in high school. Our sex life is like a roller coaster, low lows and high highs. When I started T she felt like “tool” because I wanted to get off so much. That lead me to masturbating more . 7 years later and I can still masturbate for hours. I also have extreme bottom dysphoria and my desire to have a penis and my envy of how convenient they are can get in the way of just having sex without penetrating - it also doesn’t help that she prefers penetration. I’m very stereotypically masculine in basically every way and I 100% pass in the world. I think a combination of those things make me even more vulnerable with my wife.

I’ve never really been with a cis man. I’ve messed around in highschool, hand jobs, blow jobs, and tried “to have sex” once but we were drunk and it didn’t fit. In college and into my mid 20s, I had frankly embarrassing interactions with my best friend while drunk. Sometimes when we’d drink a lot I would touch his huge penis through his pants (he always has a bulge) or ask him to hook up. It was never weird after and no I’m not I love with him and he’s not gay or bi. I cannot really see myself dating a man, but maybe I’m lying to myself idk.

Anyways, all of the porn I watch is focused on dicks whether it’s gay or straight. I never ever watch porn for or want to watch porn for women. I also only watch big D videos and prefer masc hunky guys . Some of my favorites are watching naked men dance or just do regular stuff, bouncing / swinging, teasing, close ups etc. If the video doesn’t focus on D I’m not interested. And yea, I know porn is bad for the brain and dysphoria, but it’s my only way to experience them.

Ok… so with all of this information my questions/ concerns are:

• can “penis envy” or bottom dysphoria manifest as sexual attraction? Have I put them on a pedestal?

• There’s no world where I can ask or tell my wife and stay married. I want to be with her, but I also don’t want to like the rest of my life not trying what gets me off. Is this incredibly fucked up??

• where do I find a partner that’s into transguys ? I don’t want to make a secret profile or be on Grindr. We have gay friends and coworkers and I just can’t risk it. I also don’t want to get catfished.

• I’m pro sex work so it’s honestly my top option for finding someone discretely. I just don’t even know where to start.

• safety concerns : privacy (can’t trust people with recording/pics), contracting an std, rape, getting really hurt or worse are all concerns. I also ddon’t want to be around hard drugs cause I’ll be tempted and disappear lol. How do I navigate this?

I know this was long but this is the first time telling anyone at all and I’ve been holding this for so long. Thank you.