Hi, all.
I am a 25 y/o transman.
Some background: I was born in Alabama and raised in a conservative Christian background. I didn’t come out to my parents until 2020. It went over fairly neutrally. I wasn’t abandoned, but they just saw it as a phase. My parents made little attempt to use my preferred name and pronouns at first. It wasn’t until my then partner told my parents how it made me feel, did they start to attempt. I have been living in Florida for a bit now, so I rarely visit home - my parents do visit though.
Here we are, four years later. Some things have gotten better, others not so much. On the pro side, my father is much less conservative and is more understanding of many things. He even allowed me to start getting my testosterone filled thru his insurance plan! My mother, however, has problems still. There are several trans things she still does that hurt me. I just don’t know how to address them without breaking her. She’s very emotional and gets so upset when I try to mention/correct something. She goes into how “I guess I just don’t know you that well and wasn’t a good mom growing up” (things I have never said, and genuinely disagree with). My gender identity is a small part of who I am.
The biggest thing for me is none of her friends know I’m trans. She still refers to me as Deadname and she/her. I have given my parents explicit permission they may tell whoever they please. My father talks about me with his coworkers and uses my name and pronouns just fine! They know I’m trans. It make me feel like I’m some sort of thing my mom wants to hide. It’s been four years.
Additionally, whenever a Facebook photo memory of us pops up, she sends it to me. I generally just reply to it with an emoji, but seeing pre-transition photos make me uncomfortable to see. I don’t want her to think I’m discounting the fondness of the memories, I just don’t like the presentation of my gender.
I love my mother. There are so many wonderful things I know that I learned from her. I see her as a source of love and laughter. But I don’t want to her to think I’m horribly mad over things, I just want to see change. She overreacts and I don’t know what to do about it.
Does anyone have advice?
TL;DR - I don’t want Mom to feel like a bad mother, but I need her to know some of her trans-related inaction hurts me.