Overall wanna thank everyone who commented their support. That’s really all I can ask for at this moment.

So, how am I doing? Well, this whole situation seems to have gotten worse mentally. My bf and I have been having troubling conversations about this entire thing. I don’t really blame him. He expressed that he wants to be intimate with me and it’s hard because we’ve never gone this long without sex before. Sex is not an extremely important priority in our relationship, but I understand his feelings because we’ve kept it consistent.

My depression has gotten worse. It’s gone from my body rejecting sexual intercourse to my body rejecting basically almost every touch/intimate interaction. I’ve noticed people say to seek help/therapy. I think this is the first time in my life where I have been reluctant to seek help. I don’t know why, but the thought of sex or even talking about it makes my body wanna vomit.

I don’t know what to do at this point. A very random point I want to make is I believe I have this condition called syntribation. It is a condition in which someone can only orgasm/feel pleasure from squeezing their legs/thighs. I’ve had this for as long as I can remember. It’s affected me, but I have tried to not let it control my life. I think there is a possibility that it’s gotten to point where I’m uncomfortable with it because the thought of doing it also adds to the other things that have made my body physically ill. It’s the thought of this body part is rubbing against something INSIDE of me. That’s what makes me nauseous. I’ve never had this issue before. Only thing I can think of is I’ve had trouble with fingering because the thought of my insides/the feeling of it also makes me sick.

This post a bit more graphic, but I figured to let this all out somewhere. I know as trans men, a majority of us have difficulties with pleasure and orgasms in general. I hope this can give a lil update and also bring up a conversation.