I've historically been extremely isolated. Occasionally a friend prospect with come up, and then disappear. Usually because one of us would change jobs and apparently that was the only thing maintaining the relationship.

I walk around with a constant sense of worthlessness. If I talk, it feels intrusive, annoying, unwanted. If they don't respond poorly, it's because they're being polite.

It's so easy to find evidence. Seeing the way they interact with people they actually like. The ease of conversation. Seeing how forgettable I am. Listening to what people aren't saying.

I've been trying hard to act according to another reality. One where I'm likeable and get to have friends. But it's hard, and it just feels like I'm lying to myself as I go through the motions. When I actually do hang out with people, I don't get to feel good about it. Just like I'm burdening them while they act polite about it.

Really it's just one prospective friend and I don't think she'd miss me.

I'm already 35, I'm going to die before I have a social life.