I’ve spent my whole life (im 36) longing to be a woman. As soon as I found out about trans people as a kid I knew I was one. Crossdressing in private. I’ve hooked up with men a couple times. I spend so much energy in my day wishing I was brave enough to be out. I moved to a trans friendly city. Hoping to cut ties with my past and be myself. Instead I fell in with similarly close minded people. I understand them. I don’t blame them. But I’m an imposter. They don’t know who they’re making those jokes too. I make them back. I do find the ultra sensitive liberal identity politics of people in this town a bit annoying. So I think the jokes are funny. Still. I go home. Do my make-up. Wonder who I really am? Could I ever be her? I don’t want to walk around in a mask. Having this woman costume on being the first thing people notice about me. I know how people behave as soon as those people are out of earshot. It’s not so much that I care but it feels invalidating. Sucks that I’m sometimes apart of it but it seems like that’s just life. I guess I like my male identity fine. I try to date women because I find them beautiful. I’m massively attracted to them. But the sexual aspect quickly becomes uninteresting to me. I feel more of them than turned on by them. Do I move again? Ghost everyone and live as a girl? That sounds impossible. I feel bound to my life here. I don’t like to complain but I’m so damn sick of this pain.