Two nights ago I was playing Fallout 76, as I tend to do 24/7/365. It is the only online game I play, and I play mostly solo. I don't encounter other players much.

Suddenly I hear a boy's voice. I'm going to put the age at around ten. "Is that a friend?!?" he says. He runs toward me. "Hey! You um...you want to help me? I need to do some quests!"

Sigh. OK, kid. Sure. I'll help you out.

I start following him to Flatwoods. My long-haired bearded male character is wearing a golf skirt. He asks, "You're a high level. Haven't you found good armor by now?" Alright, smartass. I whip the X-01 Prototype Power Armor out of my inventory and climb into it. My eyes glow red and light up the night. He says "Wow." I then trigger my jet pack and fly into the sky. He goes "WOWWWW!" Then he wanted to know where I got it and how much I had to pay for it and all that jazz.

I play bodyguard for a little bit and eventually say goodnight.

Last night when I'm playing again, who comes up to me but the same kid. He builds a camp right next door to mine. He has sold all of his clothing because he's broke as fuck, so he's running around in his underwear and begging me not to look at him, such is his embarrassment.

We stop by a dirt bike track and I call to him. I have found clothing that he can wear. He rushes over and puts it on. "Sweet, bro. How do I look? Wait...this is girl clothes!" He says that disgustedly, as if he's not talking to a man in a skirt. I tell him to suck it up and deal.

We head to the amusement park in the upper part of the map. He makes some smarmy remark at some point and I say, "Yeah, well, you dress like a girl." That's it. He can't take it anymore. He stops, takes off the outfit and throws it in a ditch. It's back to "Don't look at me, I'm naked." Sigh.

Eventually we got to a place where I could access my stash, and I gave him a t-shirt and slacks. He was very happy.

Earlier in the night, he had said that my character looks like Jesus. So every time he talked to me, he referred to me as God. More people should, to be honest.

At one point he became a wanted man and there was a bounty on his head. "Please kill me, God. Kill me to remove this bounty, then resurrect me. Please, God."

When we were at the Morgantown Airport, he asked why there are random skulls strewn about. I explained, as best I could, the concept of environmental storytelling. I pointed out all the tents with the medical equipment, and tried to help him piece together the story about fighting the Scorched plague. He just goes, "Ohhh, that's why you're God. You know everything!"

Every time we passed a campfire site or cooking stove, he would eagerly pounce on it, start cooking something, and do an impromptu cooking show. "Welcome back to Cooking With Me! Today we're boiling water. You have to get your temperature just right."

I don't know why his parents are letting him stay up past 1 a.m. to run around in the forest, in his underwear, with a cross-dressing 46 year old man brandishing firearms. But I do know one thing - this probably kills my chances at holding office.

(Edit: Thanks for the Gold and Silver, not to mention all the kind comments, Redditors! I just got back from playing with him again tonight. Now, in addition to his Cooking Show, he has a News Show. He had me build a makeshift setup in his camp so he could host his "show" and I could watch. Sigh.)