I (25M) am living with my mom and unemployed after mastering out of my Physics PhD in the USA. In college, I chose to major in physics and do minors in math and astronomy. This is because in high school, I realized how much I enjoyed physics and it was my favorite subject. I loved the intellectual stimulation I got from the field and I wanted to satisfy it further in college. I could not have picked a better major. I was not exactly sure what I would do post-bacc, but the career prospects for a physics degree looked good at the time and paid well, and I would get to do something I enjoyed for my degree.

During my time as an undergraduate student was when I started to get involved in astrophysics research projects (stellar astrophysics) and had a successful time with this. I got to present at a local symposium, I got to travel to India for a summer to work with graduate students in computational stellar astrophysics, and I got my name as a co author on a paper. I felt that this was the beginning, that I had more to give, more to learn and experience. I also learned a lot about programming at the time and realized I could leverage this skill more. Because of that, and out of the encouragement of my professors, I felt graduate school was my best option, or in some ways, the default option. After all, what the heck was someone with computational stellar astrophysics experience supposed to do in industry?

2020 changed a lot: I saw so many of my friends and family members suffer mentally during this time, and it became even worse when I lost my father later that year, at the beginning of my final year as an undergraduate student. I still proceeded to continue with my USA PhD applications since I still saw it as my default option and the easiest thing I would be qualified for based off of my knowledge, skills and experience. However, I remember taking self-care and mental health more seriously after the things that happened this year and valued work-life balance more.

After 17 applications and many rejections, I was accepted into a Physics PhD at an R1 US institution. However, I did not realize a couple things:

(1) After seeing my undergraduate colleague face rejections and the pressure one of my physics professors put on me to ace the GRE, I grew severe anxiety about my ability to get accepted to a USA PhD. Thus, I had applied to 17 PhD programs, but looking back, I felt I compromised too much in terms of research focus. In addition, I have come to realize that at the time, there was not many people in the US studying my subfield of interest in astrophysics, which made it hard to identify good research fits. (2) I was given conflicting advice in terms of schools to apply for. One professor told me I should I apply to the Ivys and prestigious schools based on my background to give myself the most advantage for my career. Another suggested that it does not matter where I apply, but the work I did.

I continued forward and attended the US University because (1) it was in a warmer, larger, diverse city in the US which I wanted to experience after living in the Northern US and I needed to leave my home town after my dad's death, (2) I came from a small public college with a low ranked physics program, how could I ever turn down an offer for a fully funded PhD at an R1 institution?

However, I realized during that program that I was not prepared intellectually or mentally. My graduate coursework performance was very good with most courses but the few I did poorly in were soul crushing. I also struggled to find an advisor after the first person I worked with for a year told me he would not have the funding to support me throughout my PhD. I had to compromise my research interests and work with a newly hired astronomy professor with funding, but this was a mistake. I started to veer off from doing any computational stellar astrophysics research.

After 5 semesters, I grew frustrated with the academic world and hated the pressure to always be productive and publish papers. I also hated how isolated I grew as my advisor's first and only PhD student. I was no longer working for passion, my research was too different from the research I envisioned back when I applied for graduate school. I just felt like a cog in a machine, or another number at the school. I grew disillusioned and jaded and could only see myself miserable staying, so I left with my Master's degree. I secured a summer research internship right after in my desired subfield of research and I realized how much of an excellent fit it was, between the research topic, the working environment and my advisor. I rediscovered a passion again and I did not feel like a number, I felt valued.

However, the internship has now ended since it is November. I was invited to apply for a PhD there from my internship advisor, but my soul was crushed when I received the news that I did not even make the shortlist in the apps. I am now waiting for other PhD applications and am currently filling out some more (all outside the US because they are shorter and again, I value diversity) but sometimes I question if I am just too delusional? Long term, I do not want an academic career because I want to have work-life balance and I resent the publish or perish culture. I also recognize that the astronomy job market is grim and I do not want to do research my whole life if it means having a poor WLB and not having a more immediate impact in my work. I have considered data science because I enjoyed the data analysis aspect of my research, but I wonder if I should just move into DS now to cut my losses or try to follow my heart in finding the right PhD fit while I am still young. I also question how comfortable I would be living outside the US for my PhD for several years even if I am successful in this competitive applicant pool. I think about this all the time.