At 19 l was given the opportunity to change and use my voice articulately and precisely in order to excel in a team in a warehousing environment. I established a solid chain of communication between members of the team and senior leadership and brought specific ideas I had in mind for change into fruition. I was involved in internal employee groups where I practiced confrontation, excellent communication and went through so much positive physical and mental change that I was offered the chance to apply to become a team leader at the age of 21 making starting salary of $20 /hr (with potential of reaching $30) to start in a building right around the corner (5 mins so you can imagine how low my expenses were). I had so much confidence I had taken my first flight out of the country and had, "made it". I was meant to have worked alongside a woman around my age leading a 20 person team to operational success in this building. This woman had taught me some of the technical (computer-based) practices that were set in place for success throughout the shift and week. This co-worker of mine ended up “catching my eye” and I chased. It resulted in me opening up entirely about my past work experience and sexual experience. I tried things that were new to me with her and we even had intimacy. l randomly lost all mental and physical coordination because of how much rest l was losing talking to this woman about our feelings and how my past sexual experiences have been (all with coworkers in very odd places and situations). I lead this woman on multiple times and cut her off multiple times all in all just to end up quitting this job without proper notice. I quit on the team, on the man inside that building whose trust | gained (he advised against any relationship with her) and lastly myself as a man. I had opportunities before "trying it out" with this woman (with other women outside of my job) to do it the right way and keep work and life separate but now it's like a fetish of mine. I even play dress-up and try to look all nice at work like a child. This month will make three months of absolutely no action at all (mainly avoiding all kind of confrontation) as l literally have the worst reputation and don't seem to want to change it again, and don't want to listen to advice people give me. I realized how amazing my situation was after having "flaked" like a loser. I ghosted my old co-workers as always and don't know how l'm going to stay consistent with something. I've become good at things through practice but now since I had success even if it was short lived I kind of feel entitled, and hate the idea of being patient. I know the solution is to change now but l believe it's difficult when there are so many who might try to bring me down/there is a very bad perception of me. Obviously these are all my thoughts which is another problem that I can't quiet down the voice in my head that says I'm not worthy of anything and that It's too late (going on 22) to, "re-invent" and that this issue of committing to a job or a person and then flaking is what my persona is. I'm just a manipulative psycho that can't value anything incapable of having empathy. Choosing to project apathy because it's best I never try and impose positivity on others and I never try to make my voice heard again. In order to do anything in this life I will have to behave how I did in this past experience which sucks because it might not be as great (again another of the many thoughts because I don't distract myself enough in order to stop thinking). This occurs to me every two years and I know it's about finding what you like but l've convinced myself I'm incapable of liking, loving, and caring constantly. Growing up I never had a social life and was never particularly good at anything and made fun of which led me to decide to just isolate myself which sucks. After making the decision that I made l've been out of control. l've only been able to keep a minimum amount of exercise up which wasn't the same amount I was doing before having quit. I even took a, "walk around" during shift to collect my thoughts and was advised to instead ask for a demotion or put my formal two-weeks in but no. I just like throwing shit out of the window so much that it's becoming highly probable that it's going to happen with my life but so what. Maybe I'm meant to be entirely alone in my solitude locked away in my parents house or in my room all day. Maybe that's the best I can do. I managed to find a stopping point in my mind to be able to bring what's on my mind to an end, but because of how close this place is (drive by it every day in moments where I choose to leave home) this stuff is just on repeat. I know I should just move on but it's like I want to be in pain i honestly don't even know anymore. There's more to this, if you managed to get all the way down here l am very thankful, and hope that you can learn from my experience so you don't end up wasting your youth like I am mine and if by chance you happen to know who I am I have resorted to posting on Reddit to get people laughing even if it’s at me haha.