So as I write I am sitting at my desk in my office where I work a salaried job that is in my field of study. So what's the problem you ask? I HATE IT!

I work at a methadone clinic, a clinical counselor. I have a masters degree in social work and a bachelor's degree in psychology and woman and gender studies and an associates degree in human services. One may assume I would be having a grand old time helping people, right? WRONG!

It all started my freshman year of college. I was an engineering major, civil/environmental. I was so fucking excited. I was great at math and science in high school and I got into a really hard program for college. Yes the classes were super tough and my mental health started to really decline but I could handle it. Until my roommate. I knew from the start she was "off". I don't want to be mean but she was in a word "butt-fuck-insane" And one night I woke up with no clothes on and he in my bunk. Yes she sexually assaulted me while was asleep. I didn't know what to do so I asked to switch rooms. It went okay for some time my new roommate probably spoke to me three times the entire two months I was there, but you know better than rape? But I started to have struggles in class and my grades started to slip so I was going to change majors- food science cool I love food and cooking! That was until one night I went to a "friends" apartment got drunk and tried to kill myself. I ended up in a mental hospital. It ruined my life. I didn't know what to do? I didn't know if the school would take me back or if I could even start the new program or anything! My parents flipped shit and it soon became their master goal to keep at home as much as possible. They said I had to move back home go to community college (not that there is anything wrong with CC) and I had to pick a new dream.

So I thought and thought. Well the people at the hospital were kinda nice maybe I could do that... what a shit mistake I made.

So now I am here with 40,000$ in debt, PTSD, BPD, a job I hate that makes shit money and I don't know where to go from here. The only good thing I guess is I am working towards a pharmacy tech certificate so if the MWS thing doesn't work anymore I can still make the same amount of money with a 200$ certificate.

I guess in all my ramblings and venting I am asking what and where can I go? What can I do with *this*? I am not happy and I know I did it to myself but like how can I get back to those joyful moments when I thought I would be more then a counselor that meets with pts. for ten minutes for them to say they are still taking drugs and asking for more methadone to sell on the streets. I have no purpose, I was supposed to be an engineer break glass ceilings, be the person all my high school teachers told me I would be...now I am well a broken soul with nothing to show but a useless degree and debt.