Your new neighbor, Alexander Prime, has moved in down the block. Be a good neighbor and take the fam to welcome him to his new home. Told from the perspective of a DRK tank waifu, with her tank husbando, four derp kids and their two babysitters.

PART 1 – HI-DILLY-HO-DILLY NEIGHBOR!

(Divine Spear, Punishing Heat, Divine Spear)

At once its pretty apparent that Alexander is a man of god. He enthusiastically greets you with a handshake. …maybe a bit too enthusiastically, accidentally crushing your hand in the process. He makes up for it by giving you another regular handshake. To make sure your presence is definitely welcome (he seems to like DRKs a lot…)

(Blazing Scourge, Incinerating Heat)

It appears Alex’s anti-STD security alarms activate, sensing two of your derp teens fresh from the red light district and immediately initiate an orbital strike to cleanse the taint. Alex assures you there's nothing to worry about and gathers the rest of your family in one big heartening hug.

(Mega Holy x2)

Alex is so overjoyed with your coming he sings a hymn…and sings another one for good measure (he's not a very good singer…)

(Gravitational Anomaly, (Radiant) Sacrament, Divine Spear-Punishing Heat)

As Alex shows you into his home, you find that the termites have done quite a number and try to avoid the massive gaping holes in the floor boards. Alex says something about once being a crossing guard at a crosswalk or a lion tamer trying to force lions into hoops…hard to tell which. He gives another one of his crushing handshakes before calling down his family to meet their new neighbors.

PART 2 – ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

(ARRHIDAEUS’S LANNER x8)

It seems Alex is a proud father of eight. You and the hubby jubilantly greet them all, then everyone all gathers in the living room to play a spirited game of Foosball. With their faces.

(THE GENERAL’S WING x4)

Oops! Turns out Alex also has four teen kids- all obsessed with Christian rock. Your family greets them one by one and offer to show them the wonders of public radio. Being in that rebellious age, however, they respond by turning the volume up on their Apple Radios.

(THE GENERAL’S MIGHT/ THE GENERAL’S TIME)

Finally the grandparents arrive! Grandma comes in with the intoxicating aroma of baked cookies, which unfailingly draw everyone to grab some. In all the rush though you accidentally end up crushing her. Meanwhile the hubby is being treated to an endless, long-winded tale of one of grandpa’s war stories. He glances at you, eyes pleading as he’s repeatedly slapped heartily on the back. It kinda hurts…

*PHASE INTERMISSION (Divine Judgement)

It was at this point that the patriarch of the household- a retired war general- intervened. He seemed unconvinced that all the STDs were annihilated and ordered a nuclear strike just to be safe. You decide to show him the power of death metal by slitting the wrists of reality and bathing in its essence. Cant get more metal than that.

PART 3 -ITS TIME TO PARTY

(Temporal Stasis debuffs)

You quickly learn in the interim that Alex has consumed 3 gallons of Red Bull. Not only has it given him wings, but apparently the power to see 30 years into a possible future. He rambles:

-Waifu and hubby may or may not get a divorce

-Three of your derp teens will own successful vineyards in the south

-One babysitter will leave to pursue a solo singing career. The other babysitter will be clingy and follow.

-You're stuck with the one derp kid that wont make something of themselves.

(Gravitational Anomaly, (Radial) Sacrament, Mega Holy, DS-PH-DS)

Alex is kinda losing it and the termites are getting annoying. He goes back to his ravings about being a crossing guard/lion tamer/whatever and starts singing hymns again. Then gives you his crushing handshake again cause he -really- likes you (hubby is getting suspicious).

(Temporal Stasis debuffs)

Uh oh! Red Bull is acting up again! Alex gives another future 30 years prediction:

-Derps cant manage vineyards. One completely flops; either you or hubby end up inheriting one in the west while you let one of the babysitters handle the one in the east

-That means either you or the hubby has to stay home and manage the household. You /him may or may not end up firing one of your babysitters, who decides to move to the south pole. Either way, you still have to take care of one useless derp kid

-Two derps happen to be twins and may or may not stick together for a duo acting career. One derp sibling sticks with them after the vineyard fiasco.

(Gravitational Anomaly, (Radial) Sacrament, Mega Holy, DS-PH-DS)

Alex goes into withdrawal again.

PART 4 -DADDY NEEDS HELP

(Timegate)

It was at this point that the concerned grandparents decided it was time for intervention. They ordered two of the teens to drive them to RBA (Red Bulls Anonymous) Headquarters for help. You FIRMLY insist that everything's fine- you have two of your derp teens try to make friends with their derp teens. Grandma is apparently suffering from dementia from the earlier incident and wanders off- you have one of the babysitters go after her to make sure she’s okay. …hubby begrudgingly follows grandpa.

(Judgement Crystal, Incinerating Heat, JC 2, (Radiant) Sacrament, JC 3, Punishing Heat, JC 4)

Meanwhile, Alex has gotten to the point of throwing priceless, extremely fragile antiques all over the room. The rest if the fam frantically tries to save these and place them safely at the sides of the room, in-between handling Alex’s antics. He randomly punches you instead of giving you a handshake.. …that wasn’t very neighborly.

(Inception, Tetrashatter, Radiant Sacrament)

This may come as a surprise to you, but Alex is a big fan of Leonardo Di Caprio’s Oscar award-winning film Inception (the film won the award, not Leo) and STRONGLY insists on watching it. He stumbles in and out of the room to find it as you and the fam watch him helplessly trip and break the priceless antiques you tried to save. Doesn’t help he keeps faceplanting, but as soon as you rush to help him up, he’s off again to find the elusive movie.

(PH-DS, Gravitational Anomaly-Incinerating Heat)

He randomly offers a half-handshake while discussing about the wonders of outer space and how its best to stick together while navigating its numerous black holes.

(Inception debuffs, Tetrashatter, Radiant Sacrament)

Alex has not given up the hunt for his favorite movie, and while he inevitably ends up breaking more antiques, he offers one final 30 year prediction:

-Divorce lawyers cant decide whether wifey or hubby ends up owning the last and most successful vineyard in the world and potentially monopolize the wine market

-Someone definitly WILL be left with fail derp teen and may or may not have kicked him out the house.

-Twin derps are still at it with their tumultuous career path.

-The third-wheel derp ended up dating one of the babysitters, although they're apparently on the verge of breaking up

-Clingy babysitter is up to their antics again. Vineyard hubby/waifu has a restraining order so they can't enter their property.

(PH-DS, Gravitational Anomaly-Incinerating Heat)

You’re kinda getting tired of Alex’s shit…

PART FIVE – DIVINE INTERVENTION

(Void of Repentance, Incinerating Heat)

Uh oh! Apparently the patriarch is tired of Alex’s shit too! He takes particular offense of Alex’s apparent means of navigating black holes and yells that members of the group must be sacrificed one by one in order to ensure the rest of the family survives. Alex is in firm disagreement and upholds the belief that a family that prays together stays together. Your family is torn on which side to take..

(Holy Bleed, Holy Scourge, Chastening Heat)

The whole disagreement turns into a full-blown collision of forces that can be felt by the entire group. Patriarch decides its YOU- YES YOU are the reason for corrupting Alex and putting these mad ideas into his head. He promptly calls the Russian Forces to set a nuclear strike on your ass plus the wrath of God for good measure. Time to go full cockroach mode!

(VoidoR 2-Communion, Sacrament, Incinerating Heat)

Hubby decides to handle Alex and take him aside, who is now farting as a side effect from the Red Bull splurge, while General Patriarch decides you’re a terrible mother and that your kids need Jesus, tying them in dog leashes and trying to force them into holy water to get baptized, while STILL arguing with Alex on the proper way to navigate black holes..ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

(Holy Bleed, Mega Holy, Holy Scourge, Chastening Heat)

The General decides his distaste for you family has pushed into full-blown hate and orders another nuclear strike. Save the hubby!

(VoidoR 2-Communion, Sacrament, Incinerating Heat, ad infinitum...)

You've decided that meeting Alex was probably one of the WORST mistakes you've ever made. Why won't this nightmare end.

ENRAGE – JUDGEMENT PROTOCOL

At this point you've given up all hope and welcome the sweet embrace of death.

(Edit: Fixed the third debuff round during Inception. Thanks for the correction!)