I feel that I am being torn apart by my different identities. Meadow is who I want to be for as much time as I can. But I want the trad cis male things like a gf/wife/kids and the usual stuff. Meadow is for myself but my cis male identity is the one I am not willing to part with. And I absolutely do not want them to mix. Cis male identity is convenient for work And my parents are just... My parents. They don't know about my orientation and preferences but in everything else they're the perfect parents. And there's absolutely no way they will accept my femme version.

I just don't know how to feel or what's right.

What I want is to be my femme self and have relationships with men and women maybe settle down with a girl who will entertain meadow.

I am writing all this down but I still don't know what I want. Sometimes I feel like saying to hell with all of this and disappear from my family's radar and be myself.

I am stuck because my family will never accept my real self. But with age and time I feel I should be my authentic self.

I don't know what to do. Feeling a mix of angst frustration anger and confusion.