As the title and/or subreddit has presumably already given away, I’m just another dude searching for a domme, same old, same old. But, if you have ever seen my awfully evocative username before, you may just know what’s coming: Entirely too much information, despite my best efforts to actually keep it short for once. You may or may not know, but I definitely do – this will fail. So, fair warning, it’s going to be a ride. But I will actually try to keep it compressed, at the very least. Unfortunately for me, compressing thing robs me of my main attraction, my humor. As such, those of you always complaining about too much text will now have to be extra responsive, so the universe remains in balance. Don’t blame me if everything falls out of balance, you asked for this! Well, someone did, anyway…

Alright, enough, time to compress too much information into too little text and then failing miserably at doing that! As you do! Future edit: Yep, I failed completely, sorry about that.

Part I – Who am I?

I’m a caucasian male, 34 years old, born, raised and currently located in Germany, and I’m looking for a few screws I lost. They were about this big and... Wait, no, that’s another ad. I’m actually looking for a domme, yes! Unfortunately, just like every other generic white dude on Reddit, I have gathered the nerd trifecta of anxiety, depression and ADHD. This was a conscious choice, because I didn’t want to be different from the rest of the group, you see?

Physically, I also bend to Reddit’s peer pressure and decided it would be best to stay solidly overweight at currently ~110kg. At ~183cm that could be worse, but, well, it’s not good. Willpower willing, that’ll hopefully start changing again in the near future. Hm? What was that? You don’t know what those numbers mean? I’m very sorry, sounds like you may have a mild case of Americanism, that sucks. But there’s help for that now, maybe try Google? Okay, look, it’s 6 feet flat and like… 240lbs or some such? There you go!

Sigh, I just can’t stop, looks like the whole “making this short”-plan has been abandoned once again. Why am I like this? Oh well. Buckle up, we’re in it now!

Sooo… where was I, before I completely abandoned any pretense of keeping this short? No idea, but hobbies and crap is up next. To stick to the theme, I also decided that touching grass is for weirdos and picked all the staying indoors perks. As such, my life features such extravagant hobbies as “Playing Video Games” (I need you to picture some kind of Award Ceremony Introduction Animation thingy here, with sound effects and everything, otherwise the whole joke doesn’t work. Help me out here, alright?), as well as “Listening to random stuff about random topic nobody cares about”. Oh yea, and I spend entirely too much time bouncing between being utterly lazy and then doing shit like this for no good reason. (It’s a totally mentally stable kink list (of sorts..), in case you’re interested). I also do some programming and stuff, basically, if you can do it on a PC I probably did it at some point. That’s what we’re calling “hobbies” in these parts, while we all sit in a circle and nod at each other in approval. It’s how this works, stop looking at me like that!

Other than that, I’m a bit weird, hide all the squishy feely bits behind a-tad-too-obnoxious-humor and tend to say the same thing in 15 different ways because I’m deathly terrified of not being understood or something, who even knows. And how’s your day been? On the bright side, being forced to spend 24/7 on thinking about random stuff, I’d like to claim that I’ve come out the other end being very open, honest, with no desire to play stupid games. I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that all the insanity on display here will sufficiently demonstrate that I’m not a scamming, ghosting or otherwise dishonest person. Cause, honestly, have you seen the kinds of scams that still somehow work? Actually incredible, it’s like they aren’t even trying… uh, yea, anyway, different topic. Point is, I fancy myself a pretty intellectually honest kinda dude, so I got at least that going on!

What else… oh, yea. Experience wise, I’ve had a pretty fair share of encounters over the years, but I trust you can do some reconstruction of that on your own, if you dare click on the link above. However, I’m contractually obligated to refrain from doing any such things in person, otherwise they’ll bully me out of the generic-white-guy-on-reddit clique. In other words, I’ve done the whole wizard program – 34 years old, still a virgin and may or may not have even had a kiss before (there are possible memories but they are not trustworthy, so I’m assuming it’s not a thing). So, you know, if that bothers you, then… well, I don’t know, look for someone else, I guess? Dunno, sounds like a you-problem :)

So… did I forget anything? I don’t know, I waited for 10 minutes and no answers appeared on my screen, so I assume that means we’re good. Moving on!

Part II – What/Who do I want?

I don’t actually have a particularly strict definition of what exactly I’m looking for, I’m open for suggestions. Ultimately, I’m just looking for someone I click with, who is of the female variety. I’d prefer some long term setup, because, you know, writing these obnoxious ads does get a bit old now. And so do I… However, I’m, in principle, open for something short term or something in the middle or whatever funky thing you may have in mind, the biggest limiting factor is just chemistry, really.

As such, I’m also not particularly bothered about: age, location, looks, ethnicity or experience. Obviously, I don’t wanna bullshit around. I have my biases, I’d rather you be somewhat close in age, at a reasonable timezone, looking pretty and adhering to whatever tribal ethnicity preference bullshit the lizard brain cooks up for the day, but, frankly, none of that has ever been the bottleneck. No amount of hot looks and such helps one bit when things just don’t click, after all. Same thing applies to experience, not particularly bothered. I’m a creative little weirdo, I’m sure we can figure something out either way!

Long story short, I’m obviously looking for a domme with whom I can establish a D/s setup of some description, but I don’t necessarily have something awfully specific in mind. Except that it’s likely exclusively online (mostly because of sheer logistics, but my anxiety stuff and whatnot is an issue as well) and preferably aims to be more than a deal for tonight. Finally, for anything but the most casual or short term of arrangements, I have a very strong preference for monogamy, even if it’s not necessarily a romantically serious setup. I’m just not awfully interested in offering submission to someone who just jump around to another dude an hour later, it’s not really my jam, gotta say.

Further, speaking of offering submission – that’s my overarching view on the whole D/s thing. I have very little interest in dommes who feel the need to take submission by force. If you get it, then because I decided to offer it and you should be aware enough to understand that I’m old enough, as well as self-aware enough, to understand how that’s actually quite a serious thing to give, something I don’t just throw at anybody, and something that I don’t give lightly, because I understand the gravity of the consequences. That’s because, despite those sentences, I’m also not looking for someone who is so far on the gentle side of things that they’ll fold from so much as jokes and teasing. If I offer you submission, then it’s because I want you to take it and use it. And while I very much prefer a more gentle, valueing-each-other kind of approach to D/s, if me teasing back a little bit quickly erodes your confidence in being dominant, that may be a bit too far. Because that’s who I am, I’m a little bratty, make jokes and tease, and that’s something you must be able to deal with, without getting offended or losing confidence. Otherwise we’ll have a very hard time. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to work with you on building confidence or whatever the case may be, but there is a limit to what I can realistically offer there. To phrase it in a cheesy way: I have a vast amount of obedience and submission to give, but I refuse to deflate its value. Actually submitting is a difficult thing, and I’m not interested in anyone who doesn’t understand that. Having said that, once again, it’s equally difficult if you fold at the slightest push-back. Long story short, my ideal domme is somewhere solidly in the middle of things. Willing to take my submissions and use it for her enjoyment (even at the cost of mine), yet mature enough to realize its value, gravitas and consequences.

Part III – What’s on offer?

Well, I’m afraid it’s a bit of a mixed bag. As alluded to, physically, I don’t have much to offer. Pretty poor shape, the weight and I are in disagreement, and pretty poor skin (by which I'm mostly refering to stretch marks). So when I’m offering a general openness to sharing all sorts of media (anxiety levels permitting), that may be of questionable value. But it’s a thing, so there. Furthermore, I’m in possession of two kinds of remotely controllable toys, in case you want to make things a tiny little bit less virtual. Then there is my fairly high level of honesty and a general very high drive to keep my promises. Having said that, I’m not going to deny that my brain chaos can make it very difficult to be perfectly obedient at times, but I hope my dedication to this monstrosity of a post demonstrates my willingness to try my best. Kink wise, I’m afraid my offerings are modest as well, but you can investigate that yourself, in detail, with the link above.

Short version is that my upsides are probably fairly rare and quite valuable, but they come at a steep price, if you’re looking for the athletic hunk of manliness of your dreams, I’m sorry to disappoint. But if you are sufficiently annoyed by the flaky, fake, ghosting nature of online interactions of any kind, perhaps I can outweigh these things. Your call!

I’m afraid that’s all I got, not necessarily easy to sell this broken product that is me. Though I remain convinced, with some amount of polish, there might still be gold underneath. Omfg I’m actually physically cringing, moving on lol.

Part IV – Bonus Points

Boooooooonus round!

Now, for a moment, let’s pretend that things aren’t unequal beyond reason and I totally get 100 replies and you actually have to compete. Are you imagining it? You can’t? Well, try harder, okay, kinda need it for this, alright?

Okay. So. We’re now living in a world where male subs totally get a bazillion messages and you totally need to try to stick out. Good. Picture it! Now, here is your chance to gather bonus points to totally stand out in the flood of replies:

• Ability and desire to be somewhat detail oriented in your tasks, orders, requests and so on. “Go jerk off or whatever in some way or something” is… well, let’s just say it feels a lot less great to obey than you actually radiating the desire to control the action. So, yea. That’s a thing.

• Kinky creativity! Turns out “Jerk off or whatever” is also a bit stale after 34 years on this strange planet. If you got some spice, I got some bonus points!

• Being in a timezone close to mine! Didn’t used to be a problem, but those damn therapist people insisted that people have “schedules” and some crap about “sleep hygiene” or whatever. Pretty sure they made that up, but here I am.

• A nice voice. I mean, that’s it, I just like nice female voices. So… yea. Intense.

• Ability to intuitively tell when I’m kidding and when I’m not. It’s usually alright, but I clown around a lot, as you may have noticed, and if you just read that wrong consistently, we’ll just hate each other real quick lol.

• Okay, ran out of make-belief-energy, back to reality where nobody cares about bonus points from my side.

And finally:

Part V – Contact

Ideally, you'd contact me via a Reddit DM in which you actually tell me a bit about yourself. You know, age, location/timezone, what you're after / why you're writing to me, stuff like that. I like "hi" as an opener just as little as you do, possibly even less! However, since everyone is using the awful official app which makes it kinda hard to find how to even send a message, I guess I'll also accept chats, but be aware that it will take me significantly longer to answer, because I'm on PC and it's a buggy, useless mess there. Alternaitvely, here’s a convenient link to send a DM.

Alright, I think that's about it. I managed to stay well below 20000 characters, so, really, I should get an award or something. But I will settle with a message from you :P~~~~