Do you find yourself browsing NSFW subreddits for hours a day? Is your profile chock full of nudes, anime babes and degenerate pleas for the wrong kind of attention? Do you have the mental acuity of a small hamster? Does your screen name include terms like “sissy”, “sub”, or “toy”? If so, thanks for reading this far (I know it must have been difficult for you) and good luck on your journey but, and I mean this with love, you’ve reached a dead end. Happy Jorkin’! . . . . . Are you still here? . . . You must be willfully disobedient, actually qualified or just plain curious… . . . Well, since I have you here I’ll tell you a little about what I came here for. I’m looking for something a little different and I may be sniffing around all the wrong corners of the internet to find it but, in theory, this must be the place. I like this stuff, I really do, I promise but it seems like something gets left behind in the horny-ness of it all. I feel like we should be friends. I’m not asking for your hand in marriage or to be courted like a lady or anything dramatic but I will ask that you be my pal. The dynamic is what it is, sure, but really we should be equals, have camaraderie and a bond. If you don’t have a foundation to build on then your house ends up being really bad and weird and no one wants to come over anymore. Do you think I’m good at analogies?

So without being cryptic I will say I’m looking for a friend first because there’s nothing if not that. But relating is a huge part of friendship so unfortunately there are some qualifiers (don’t worry I don’t have a Nobel Prize either). Please be over 25 at least, I don’t even know how to talk to anyone younger than that. You should have a job as well, I can’t commiserate with lifelong academics or NEETs. What are the other circumstances of unemployment? Hmm…if you’re generationally wealthy you can message me but only if you’re gonna give me some. Lastly please be open, I don’t need your social security number (yet) but if you’re the kind that takes privacy very seriously ie not sharing photos of yourself, not wanting to call, etc then I definitely respect that but it’s a little frustrating to me since it creates an environment where I feel at arms length all the time.

I don’t expect to be in constant contact or be top priority, it’s not all that serious, but I should hope that we’d become close and enjoy each other’s company.

Okay, the good stuff: I’m into the mommy thing. I don’t like excessive cruelty or “BOW DOWN TO ME” stuff, I’m not a consumer of pornography (would be INCREDIBLE if you weren’t as well but I’m not that naive, I have thoughts about porn consumption - we can talk about it) so I don’t have any extreme fetishes or kinks so if you’re looking for something really out there, I’m not the droid you’re looking for. I like the softer side of things but I’m not going to give you a laundry list of kinks because I feel like that cheapens the whole deal. Please DO NOT send me a laundry list of your kinks either. Thank you!

I don’t have physical preferences, I just hope you’re kind, open minded and (hopefully) funny. As for me I’m short and fat (but not otherwise hideous or disfigured) so if you’re not into that be advised. We can exchange pics early and often.

Thanks for reading, and please address me with the reverence I deserve.