Hi girls

the Escape

Santa's elves regret to inform you that, due to staff shortages at the North Pole this year, there's been a mix-up with your list, and your request for a loveable puppy companion was mistakenly merged with your frankly audacious request for a multispeed sex toy. The result was quite catastrophic; we accidentally created a freaky 'switch' puppy with a longer kinklist than his work resume. Not only that, but our attempts to contain this lustful specimen proved futile and he escaped in a determined search of his "new owner," darting off into the mist to the tune of *Duran Duran's Hungry Life the Wolf*. This dog cannot be stopped. Not by any elf we know of. All we can offer you is this letter he sent ahead as follows:

woof

So allow me to introduce myself. I am the puppy of loosely goth aesthetic you ordered, and I come quicker than a dominoes pizza delivery boy. I'm here to sew discord into your life and disturb what order remains. I may have been crafted 36 minutes ago by half a dozen mythical elves, and at the meta level an insomniatic madman, but let's not pretend like you have any better options here. This zaney/insufferable German Shephard raises the bar beyond anything you've seen in your string of forgettable encounters with dopey dobermans. I even disguise myself as a human some of the time, so your dreams of 'pegging a pooch' can finally be realised legally.

First though, let's get one thing straight: just because I was created to be your $18 sex toy doesn't make me some kind of loser. I have my own goals and ambitions. I know you think you can get me to do anything just by paying me a half-assed compliment like "good doggy", but this is reality, not your wattpad fantasy. Just 'cause you've rizzed up a couple poodles with that before doesn't mean it will work on me. I'm a dog of the streets, you feel me? I'm a wild untamed animal, iconoclastic, fantastic, bombastic. If you wanna dance with me, you gotta have the moves.

Kinky psychology

the psychology for why people like kink is interesting. My reasons are thus:

• Sometimes, when a stick is thrown and an expectation to chase is placed upon me, I just sit. I say no. Resisting social pressure to conform comes naturally to me, as it was instilled in me artificially by my creators. Through kink we can defy social order and convention, and momentarily break our chains to society, embracing our most carnal desires while the ghost of Freud watches on with abject terror.
• Kink is also a mode of expression for me, inextricably tied to courtship.

Some more specific stuff:

• I like power struggle. Fighting a SO for dominance is the ultimate exhilaration. With very few exceptions, like a date night in watching a lifetime movie with a title like Double Daddy, nothing compares.
• I'm a mostly hard dom and need the same in a partner. Outside of kink I'm affectionate and soft with a SO - too soft, almost squidgy.

CompareKink, in my demographic of male puppy, describes me as

• 83% more dominant.
• 87% more submissive.
• 94% more kinky.
• 98% more likely to post an ad like this at 4:51 am Christmas Day.

Dating

I'm here for a long time, not a good time. As such, our time together will be marked by intense suffering and misery endured for no reason but an unexplainable need to "see it through until death".

I want to discuss everything with you, truly understand the inner workings of your mind, so that I may fulfil my purpose as your lover as head Elf Billy foresaw in the lake of fire.

if you don't celebrate Christmas that really ruins the flow of this post

Holiday celebrations are local, but the act of giving is universal. Even if you didn't want it, I made this post for you. Every single decision any person has made led up to this moment of you reading this, and also this, such is your fastly gained respect for me. Bum. You read that, too.

The choice is now in your hands: act now, capture this once-in-a-lifetime elf-made hybrid disobedient doggy in accordance with prophecy, or take the blue pill, go back to sleep, wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.