So not to brag but I'm the best of both worlds: I act just like a dog in every respect, putting me ahead of all men, but crucially having been born human it's technically legal for you to make love to me.

Something serious

I'm not seeking doggy day care; I'm here for a long howl alongside a monogamous switch or dom-leaning girl with a tenacious flair—my Lisa from Love on a Leash. Someone to do everything with, from discussing our individual philosophies on life, to sharing our real authentic selves (*cough* mods), to playing together in a manner that would alarm PETA.

I like it ruff

Yeah, I'm a mutt. I have no qualms about saying that.

For me, sex isn't all about headpats and singing Kumbaya—I want to explore the darkest recesses of your mind in the most intense way; to uncover and reactivate subconscious animal impulses Freud worked so tirelessly to bury; to become one flesh with you but not necessarily in the way God intended. If my fluffy ear and tail combo are still in resalable condition at the end of our session, something went wrong.

While I like a dominant owner, my personality is not generally of the submissive kind, and leading me to the bedroom won't change that, sorry. I'm not going to just spontaneously agree to eat out of your hand like one of those self-hating beagles. The most impressive amongst you will see this not as a problem, but a challenge. To break me will be the ultimate bliss; it will ignite your soul. You'll look like Gollum cradling the ring.

My leash pulls both ways

Yes I am a switch. Not every dog is there to be your eternal slave. I have stuff to do. I'm going places. I don't have time to sit in your cage 24/7 and smell your feet. Any average golden retriever will do that. No, I'm here to threaten the status quo, to be a pioneer, to incorporate animal rights into our relationship. When we dine together, we'll share the duties equally: you place the uber eats order and I'll answer the door. Just because I'll be eating from a dog bowl on the floor doesn't mean you need to think of me as beneath you.

I think I'm in love. Where do I sign up?

Woah there buddy, calm down. Learn to play hard to get, I'm not here to tip-toe you through this stuff. Message me like a normal person (personhood can be ascribed to either human or animal; either of you are welcome to apply).

FAQ

Q: "Can I call you 'puppy'?"
A: Yes, ageplay kink is fine.

Q: "Do you identify as a dog?"
A: Only serious questions please.

Q: "This is hot but can you behave like a normal human in public?"
A: No

Conclusion

As a dog in this space, I often find myself inundated with messages, so please be patient and allow some time for me to respond. If you put effort into your replies I will get to you eventually.

But remember, dogs like me don’t trot along every hour. So capture my attention and let's explore what it means to build something actually real.