Hiya

I recently got diagnosed with the mild 'tism, like two days ago, and I'm hoping me being upfront about it will make it easier to find emotional connection. I am misanthropic and avoidant and judgemental by default, at least in my opinion. Sometimes I have thoughts that would disgust most people, but uhhh I don't want to feel like I'm disgusting, except maybe in a kinky setting once in a blue moon.

I think about myself a lot, and I am selfish/greedy, but I don't want to hurt people in general and especially my partner. I speak in a very blunt way at times, like I told a woman I wasn't attracted to her face but that there was nothing wrong with her and she hasn't talked to me since. And that reminds me, facial features are like really important to me and it's like my only shallow desire really in a partner, assuming we're opting for a monogamish thing I think. I'm sorry to say this, but as a white guy, I like an east Asian face with a pointed chin, but like I vibe with any asian that has one particular feature I'm looking for. I say east asian, but I LOVED my ex' eyes and it was the same with this other girl I crushed on in college. My ex is from the Philippines and my crush is from China, and both were biracial. So in other words yeah I say east asian and I think like of japanese because of porn, but it's not about the ethnicity to me, it's about a feature in the eyes like I said. When some asian women get really happy it makes me really happy and want to like flap my hands and stuff lol because the way their lower eyelids go up when they're happy is really contagious! I think about how I told my crush good news and I remember how happy for me she looked, or with my ex I would tease her as I watched her squirm and I loved seeing her eyelids as she smiled. That's my most shallow quirky but very important interest.

I love genuine enthusiasm from the other person, but I feel like as people get to know me, maybe it's the way I talk, that genuine enthusiasm feels like it fades. If that's not there then it won't work. And I also need someone who is ok with having a partner who was pretty abusive in the past, you can assert your boundaries ok, while still not taking it personally, and you would be accepting of me getting better than how I was in the past or maybe even am currently. Not to get into everything, but my ex and I had something online and I cheated on her almost immediately online which suggests to me I need a partner who is ok with me liking porn and very fucked up hentai A LOT, as well as my high promiscuity in general. Thanks to japanese porn and hentai I've also had uh... "harem fantasies" which all I mean is I really really want to experience like being licked all over whenever I want like with free use, maybe being a slob and still having people lick my gross slobby body (I don't like showering with water often because of the sensation, but I will do it usually if I need to go out), and like making out while someone thrusts their hips in tune with mine into another woman (but not like they're wearing a strap on, more like they're just guiding me almost). It kind of depresses me, but I think a lot of women would feel like I would want to abuse them for wanting this. I guess I'm just telling you here because it might be a red flag, but my intention is to be honest and yep, this is something I want.

I don't know how else to put it, but my experiences with women have always felt like I wasn't understood fully, and the closest I have gotten to feeling loved is like soft domme girlfriend audios. So my take away from the audio porn I like is, I want someone with a voice I really like (which could mean literally anything, but I just want to really like it), I want someone who can lead the conversation and talk to me when I feel overwhelmed or even to the point where I want to cry. I also will try to keep talking a fuck ton because I'll be afraid of losing your interest, and then I'll feel lost so I think I'd like you to guide me with conversations like that too. I don't want to hear the same "it's ok" over and over, I want something really creative and I really want to hear your thoughts about me and how I treat you and our relationship in general. I might want you to think about me almost constantly, but like not literally ig idk if that makes sense. I get really overwhelmed when I feel like I'm being punished for insensitive behavior, and it is something I would probably end a relationship over. I would probably end a relationship over you not answering all my questions too and only focusing on one or two. I'm ok with topics being subtly changed, but if I'm asking you a bunch of meta/worry questions then I will rely on you to reassure me. I also want really really good aftercare like where we talk to each other about what happened, and also what another person has called is "duringcare" when interacting with me. Like if we have banter or you tease me, I really like it, but you better have an escape route for reassurance if you're going to tell me something like I ask too many questions or you make fun of me for things going over my head because then we're getting into what feels like genuine ableist or ha-ha-you're-autistic territory (and it makes me overwhelmed and lonely thinking about someone who makes fun of me processing stuff differently instead of talking to me like a child but not in a patronizing way outside of play if that makes sense). And I get it, I can be harsh with that stuff too, but if you make those jokes and they're not jokes and it's genuinely how you feel then let's not waste each other's time 'kay?

I might tend into some hardcore emotional humiliation stuff like invoking trauma and dark ageplay and whatnot, but I think I need something very wholesome by default. Like maternal, maybe mommy domme because I do age regress, but not necessarily the type of thing where I'm in pj's and drinking from a sippy cup. I have a lot of fantasies and irl roleplay interests, but I honestly don't know what I need sexually because I'm so inexperienced with women irl. I guess what I want you to dominate almost for sure on your part is you create the pace that I, or maybe we, will feel connection, especially since it's really hard for me to do on my own. I think I detour from it a lot, idk. Compliments are nice, but don't just shower me with garble lol, I want to know why you feel how you do about me, and I want it to have oomph. I want you to be blunt with me too. If you feel like I did or am doing something abusive, then please tell me so that we can address it. We need to say something to me because I'm autistic and not processing it, then I'd like you to explain to me in a loving way like a kid but keep it casual because I'm an adult. Try to avoid using vague words like "it" and "that" with me btw.

I think a lot, and recently I've been thinking that I think I'm amoral, and a second recurring thought is I want to be a ceo and make a lot of money. I'm not really interested in abusing people because I don't want to have the really chronic shame that I used to have, but I can imagine myself making a lot of money and fucking people over economically, and the thought of a cutthroat competition like that gives me a rush thinking about it sometimes. That being said, I'd like to focus my genuinely "cold and calculated" side in the business world and my genuinely "little girly boi" soft side with you. We may or may not have fucked up play but I want a relationship with a lot of soft, enthusiastic, and genuine reassurance. And also, good for you if you want this, like being a gold digger, I think that's respectable as long as you're honest about your intentions, but I am not interested in dating a gold digger lol. I'd prefer a partner who will spend money to enjoy their interests, but not like expensive tastes for the sake of being expensive. I probably don't need to say that but idk... I will just because of the CEO thing. And obviously, I want to be working instead of stay at home. Although, I might want to retire really early and just jerk off all day with a collection of sex toys or sex dolls and have emotional connections with women. Maybe go out and eat restaurant food a lot, but I don't want to be fat for healthy reasons. Also, I'd like you to introduce me to movies and tv shows and anime, especially scary stuff because I've been waiting on watching stuff so I can enjoy them with a partner but also because it can be hard for me to focus.

By the by, I am 5'9", pale and white, really long brown hair but balding, dark blue stoner-looking (but actually sober) eyes, glasses, large frame, broad shoulders, round (maybe feminine) face, kind of a square-ish ("spongebob") head, big calves, wide but short feet, hairy all over but not super hairy (but willing to lose the hair), 200lbs and trying to lose more (used to be 250lbs), fat butt (I think), micropenis but on the bigger end of the spectrum (3 inches), a lot of foreskin (possibly slightly phimotic?), a sack bigger than my fist that glows like a veiny light bulb when you press a flashlight to it (hydrocele), and I usually wear the same plain clothes a lot (aw yeah tism), but I'm willing to have you pick clothes for me if I like them, and no tattoos or piercings right now but I might be open to it. Also I'm "bi" and heteromantic although my bi-ness fluctuates. I prefer to prefer women :P

Look.... I like my goths, a lot of guys do, but I really really like them. I think my long hair and pale skin would match a goth girlfriend really well lol. Plus I mostly like kinda underground dark trap usually like Grim Salvo (and Mossback), Oni Inc, SHUSH, Kxllswxtch, Istasha, Warlord Colossus, do not ressurect, 7xvn, Savage Ga$p, Kamaara, gizmo, BVDLVD, TWENTYTHREE, and probably more with a similar vibe. Think like screamo rap but like hiphop, so like screamo hiphop almost. That's the best way I can describe it lol. On occasion, I also like video game music, anime music, s3rl, electro swing, metal subgenres, rap, grunge, "electro grunge"? like 8graves, electronic in general, phonk, twenty one pilots, Jack Stauber, sickick, Artificial Construct, Babymetal, Avenged Sevenfold, System of a Down, and more of course lol. I've also dabbled even less in Tool, Burzum (yes, I know), Kill Dyll, and Pranav.Wav. So, I'd like a weird girlfriend who'd be open to this music and style in other words. I like women who have a WIDE amount of clothing and music styles too tho.

I'm hoping you're ok with me just jerking off and working a lot. Maybe watching youtube here and there. I want to expand my interests, go out and work more, but change is hard for me as you can imagine. I'm very picky for eating food, like I love salty and Italian and fast food the most I think. I'm not a big fan of spicy but I will (white boi lol).

Ok kink like so I'm curious about being feminine, but I'm not trans or a femboy. I usually would prefer to be the bottom, maybe like a "pillow prince," and I really like when all of the attention is focused on me, but not exclusively on me. Sometimes I'd like to be pathetic and worship a random body part of yours, anything head to toe (almost anything on the partialism wikipedia page). Maybe humps your legs or massage your glutes lol. I also really like hairiness and stinkiness. Armpits I like a lot too. And uh buttholes. But usually I'd rather have you play with mine, but have you initiate unless I'm like wanting you to eat my butt for a while. Then maybe it'd be more like an under-the-desk kind of vibe I'm looking for. I'd also love it if you were really pervy... something like when I need to shower you say "hehe I can wash you with my tongue mlemmlemmlem" kinda vibe lol. I'm also curious about being a pet in a bitchsuit, and have my nipples played with or have my puppy cock red rocket stroked after wiggling my tail and getting belly rubs. And also like I said, I'm not really a sippy cup little, but no cap bruh, we do be age regressin' frfr. Idk what I am label wise in general, but I think at least someone would be interested from this community. Also btw it'd be really cool if we can voice call, but I'd rather have you set the pace like I said. I'm desperate for attention, rambley (duh), and clingy but I can generally tone my clinginess down. Also I blush a fuck ton a lot, and I'd like to fetishize my autism, like maybe make a play where I am tied down and you make me do eye contact while you give me a handjob or maybe even just awkward silent eye contact. We could also do something more sadistic than soft like maybe I cum into a toilet bowl because my genes are inferior, you tell me to stop masking and act more autistic (like I'm mild but maybe as play you'd play a person who cnc coerces me to act severely autistic instead of just mild), and you act like my caretaker who has to jerk me off to get me to calm down before I have a mental breakdown. There's more kinks obviously, but emmm, I just want to do foreplay type of stuff for the most part... like we're almost lesbians per se (like maybe you push my pp in and finger me like that sometimes lol (yes it can do that)). I'm open to other mdom or femdom stuff that you want to bring to the table though, but we gotta get creative with our sex life or I'll look elsewhere, but maybe you're ok with that. Most of it will probably just be foreplay kind of vibes that I'm looking for like I said. I'll probably look elsewhere anyways idk. Also I'm a virgin lol. I think it'd be hot to lose my virginity to an older woman and have her give me a panic attack when it happens and then cuddles for a while until round two, but losing it casually with my girlfriend would be the vibe too.

Yeah so... Ideally I prefer 25 , but 18 is ok. I think this post has monogamy-ish vibes, but I'm open to other options since I'm not completely sure what relationship structure I'm looking for. Like I said, if I don't have a need met from you and you don't get one of your needs met from me, then maybe a nontraditional relationship structure would be best. Yet I'm very insecure so we'd have to work that out at least on my end in some capacity. By the way, I'm very silly and cute as I've been told, and I talk in a calming monotone voice usually. My face is usually flat except when I laugh and smile when happy or uncomfortable. Also by the way, I took a break from college because I was depressed and anxious but I'm in therapy now and I plan to go back soon as a sophomore. I'm an academic kind of nerd, but I could do way better with technology and reading.

Anywayssssss. This is the post, I hope we click from here. I know it's out there, but it should be! I'm an out-there, reserved person lol. Let's chat yo, see how this goes:)