I believe I’m meant to give you the pitch. Tell you why you should take the time to message me instead of that hot shredded guy I just saw on the front page.

Unfortunately I think I was dropped on my head one too many times as a child so instead I’m going to straight up tell you a few of my 99 problems that I think you should know before you decide what to do next.

1. I’m insufferably curious and argumentative. I like learning things, I like figuring them out, I like intelligently discussing them. Maybe you can figure out how to teach me when you’re just right and I need to keep my mouth shut?

2. I’m struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. I’ve somehow turned out a somewhat functional member of society with a graduate degree and a good job and all those silly things, but I spend too much time in my head feeling like that moment where Scar killed Mufasa is running on a permanent loop. If you can break me out of the loop sometimes you’ll be my hero.

3. I hate my body. I’m repulsed by it. I’m overweight, bald, and really don’t have anything physically going for me except that I happen to be tall and built big, if you’re into that sort of thing. If you can find a use for it that turns it from something horrible to something useful that someone actually finds any kind of enjoyment in (pleasure, pain, restraint, marking, whatever does it for you) that would be amazing.

4. I have a heart that’s just too damn full. You know when you’re asked in a job interview what your flaws are and you say “well sometimes I just work too damn hard?” This is that. But really, it’s going to burst. I feel this overwhelming sense that I need to adore someone, to look up to her, to respect her, to worship her. But because I’m a mess, she’s not here and I’m all alone. I’m praying that maybe this post could be the start of changing that.

I’m open to a lot of different dynamics. Whether you want to be harsh and hurtful while still expecting my devoted loyalty, or you want to take care of me and build me up, I’d be genuinely grateful and privileged. There are just a few things that I insist on - and they are that you be generally monogamous (I’m open to consensual cuckolding or other things involving other people as long as I know I still matter), be looking for something long term, enjoy being firmly in charge and in control, and be open to the fact that I’m far from perfect and am not going to be able to pretend to be.

If you’d like to chat despite this truly awful personals ad, please send me a chat!