Early in life, I never pursued relationships because I had no choice but to be deeply in love with my muse. She was formless, featureless, and only ever sat patiently at the nearest piano, taunting me with her embrace that I could not return; as I played every hour, for years and years, early before the heralding sunrise or under pale stars, learning how to tracelessly break into schools, stores and churches for that nighttime isolation, slouching over exhausted without food, without sleep, cutting open the sides of my fingers, desperately, pleadingly chasing after the notes that tightened the cradle of her palms around my heart and her eager lips around my ear. I was always jealous of other boys who had girlfriends who were warm and soft, boys whose thin fingers didn't need to scream constantly across modulating motifs in order to keep her interested in the room with them, who didn't often collapse on the cold ground exhausted with nowhere else to go, crying out their chest into a silent, empty sky for unknown arms that could quell the anger of a song with no ending. However, I never found motivation to confront one because none could admit what they wanted, or seemed to know what they want, and I don't enjoy the company of a woman fine in not seeking her desires.

It's in my personality to push myself; to learn, to serve, to discover the keys that make up someone's body, the routines of her life, and the thoughts of her heart. All my life, I've been a gray tower, abandoned to a small island beset by the fog of time and passion, calling out my pathetic light to anyone braving the waters of her own soul. I often give up, the wells of my eyes long gone dry; for having bested homelessness, injury, cruelty, and the apathy of harmless people looking for a free ride, who don't know what it means to not have, to go cold and hungry clinging to the need to discover and serve, to sacrifice everything and live in ceaseless anxiety to rage against the fabric of reality, I can't make a friendship with someone bent on existing without passion. It seems there is no human with the courage to optimistically admit that life is pain: that there is only personal responsibility to ourselves and others, that life is not about the metal and glass surrounding us, but the pursuit of becoming more according to our abilities.

I am always tired, and I want a woman who is tired too. I'm not a sub who wants a dom, I want a relationship that has had enough with the chore of acting; a woman whom can seize me as her instrument and anchor of authentic release. I want to feel her body around my skull, as I and my mouth meditate in the heat of her heartbeat and sighs. I'm not into toys, degradation, or latex. I want to give a woman the direct pleasure she's earned in being a hardworking, decent woman of conscience and gentle nurturing. I want the gravity of her body to grind my chest and seed my muscles and face with her orgasms and tears, painting me in her joys, her pleasure, and her asperations for a life of meaning and happiness.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I want to be fully cognisant for everything my friend and eventual monogamous wife needs. We all struggle with connection, with social media, excessive recreation and everything else that takes the edge off life. I want a relationship with effort that acknowledges and wrestles with our shortcomings, so that we may learn and grow off one another. I go to church because I'm not a good person. I suppose I'm a bit like a dog: a cross between a lap retriever and a service dog standing by for assistance, though at the moment I'm more of a limping, seasoned stray, familiar with his territory but wouldn't be bothered if taken in by an owner. I like the idea of being a househusband, greeting you in your clothing of choice on my knees at your return, though that position wouldn't keep me from finding work and income, as I'm not an idle person. Forgive me that my years might make me stubborn and resistent. I shouldn't say, but if you can break my guard you'll be able to do whatever you need of me, or at least of my body.

Now for the actual details. I'm 6'1", white, athletic and skinny, with brown hair and dark blue eyes. My hair grows fast, and I'll only promise to be clean shaven if you promise to assault my chin regularly. I need glasses but I don't often wear them. I greatly enjoy receiving instructions aimed towards pleasure and self-improvement. I perfer communicating by touch, and I'm picky about who and when I touch. I love to give very long massages, cleaning and chores, kneeling and being stood over, feeling smaller, and spending long periods of time in silent embrace in your arms or legs. I don't have a body type preference, as long as you're active and a cuddler. I strongly prefer long, messy, natural hair I can help care for and put up. Tattoos and piercings make me uncomfortable. I like seeing women in oversized, baggy shirts and sweatpants that I can also hide within, buried in a nest of pillows and blankets, sitting on me like a maternal bird.

I tend towards trait introversion and openness, and capable of public speaking, and I can handle being alone, attending to my own hobbies, but your physical presence will prioritize my availability for your comfort and use. I love animals, insects (can relocate moths and spiders outside with hands, I don't like killing if it can be handled), and enjoy nature hikes and early morning jogs. If we're out together and there's a flower patch, I expect us to stop and quietly admire them. I dislike large social gatherings unless given a fussy baby to hold, a dog to pet, or a tree to climb. I am employed as cook and artist. Recreationally, I'm a writer, musician (piano, guitar), artist and programmer, aimed towards creating novels, comics and video games that, to some degree, help me explore the emotions and ideas I've accrued on distant trails, with no agenda or intended message. I use music composition as a form of release than as a shared medium. I am curious about what book or video game impacted your life, and what you value in a friend.

I'm in no hurry to meet IRL, and I don't mind we just chat online. I'm more interested in learning about you. If we can click as friends and reciprocate mentalities, I will be your eager service sub.