I felt just like you. I was bullshitting 24/7, always had that looming feeling that everything could collapse at any moment and everyone would realise I‘m a fraud. I suffered mentally, started at the very last moment, sometimes handed in late, didn’t show up to exams, disappointed professors who ‚expected more from me’, but got good grades overall - to this day convinced that there must have been mix ups with some of those grades.

I‘m not really looking to vent, but rather to paint a picture. If you relate, you might want to look into getting assessed for ADHD. I unfortunately only did after my Master‘s lead me to a really fucking dark place, but diagnosis has been invaluable. I genuinely don‘t want anyone to experience the same, so.. if my experience seems eerily familiar, maybe that‘s something to look into.

Good luck with uni everyone! It also has great sides btw lol sorry for being so serious

Hey girl hey, we‘re twinning. Only took me like 3 major depressive episodes, and ruined my self-esteem, no biggie.

At least once I got diagnosed I pushed my sister to get assessed as well. She is quite a bit younger and is starting uni in September, diagnosed and medicated. I still mourn my experience, but having at least been able to diminish her suffering is comforting. Still fucking sucks though.

I am so sorry you relate so much. Especially because I, and I assume also you, am a deeply curious person and feel like I missed out on so much knowledge.

The ‚not being able to rely on myself‘ is huge. I disappoint myself so frequently and feel like that is the part of my ADHD which tanks my mental health the most. But I am still proud of the both of us. We achieved this monumental feat, despite all the obstacles. We shouldn‘t have had to suffer as much as we did and might still be picking up the pieces, but we still did it.

And regarding your brother: Sounds like you did what you can. I feel similarly about my undiagnosed dad. Watching them suffer is hard, but we can‘t solve it for them.