Gasp, another story from yours truly. It's not very bombastic, but I feel that some of you would like to read it.

I'm trying to lose weight because I'm honestly just tired of looking down and not liking what I see. I don't look at myself in the mirror or when I shower because I loath myself. I'm starting small... by walking my dog more.

This is important, here he is. He's about eight months old, and a lab/rottweiler mix (with a little red nosed pitbull on his dad's side). His name is Lemmy, he was named after my fucking personal hero.

He's annoying, a big goofball (he still can't quite jump on the couch right, he always does it early and misses), and honestly pretty stubborn... and I love him very much. Rescuing Lemmy was one of the best things I've ever done, he's been instrumental in helping with my mental illness. I don't feel as anxious with him around, and he's always down for a hug if I'm depressed and feel alone. Shit, he cries with me. He's surprisingly empathetic for a dog.

But today I took him for a walk. I had my tunes, and the sun was out so I was pretty damn content. I'm working on “heel” with Lemmy so the walk was mostly me keeping him on a short leash and trying to stop him from choking himself (I need to get him a new harness, he chewed the old one up).

I was walking around the block twice with him, sweating to some oldies (nothing quite like Pink Floyd while you're sweating under the sun) when I saw someone making actually really funny looking gestures out of the corner of my eye. Arm flailing and all. I couldn't hear shit over the bass line in Money, so I pulled out my earbuds.

I looked over at the person, lo and behold, a ham. Okay.

ham: “HEY. HEYHEYHEY YOU.”

me: “Yes?”

ham: “What's with your dog?”

me: “Nothing, he's just a puppy.”

ham: “But he's so... skinny. That's not healthy! Are you abusing him?”

mfw

Meanwhile, Lemmy was peeing on a bush and snuffling around in a pile of dead leaves.

me: “He's not too skinny. Actually, the vet said that he was health-”

ham: “LOOK AT HIM, HE'S SKIN AND BONES. You're starving your dog, I'm going to call animal control!”

It was then that I heard a little sad snuffle, and I realized that the ham wasn't alone.

They had a dog too.

I looked down and saw the saddest looking husky I've ever seen in my life. That thing was a literal butterball, it was so fat it looked like it was wider than it was tall! It was lying on the ground, panting a mile a minute. Poor baby, the heat must have been like murder for it.

I love my dog and I love giving him treats, but I'm pretty sure this person crossed the line from “treat” to “stop overfeeding the goddamn dog” a long time ago. They didn't just cross it, they flew over it at warp speed like someone on a Scootypuff in Walmart going for the last box of Little Debbie snack cakes.

Lemmy: “[sniffs the husky, grunts]”

Husky: “[gentle boof, sniffs back]”

me: “... your dog should lose some weight there bud.”

ham: “What? He's fine and pretty. The vet even said he was small for his breed.”

me: “I wasn't born yesterday. That dog is... not good. You should put him on a diet. He'll die if he stays like this forever.”

ham: “Don't tell me how to take care of my FUCKING dog when you starve yours! I should call animal control on you and have you [trails off, becoming intelligible because of how fast they started talking].”

The ham kept talking but I stopped listening and eventually walked away. I turned back and saw them letting the dog eat out of their hand- looked like it was eating trail mix. What the fuck.

TL;DR my dog is going to grow up and be a big handsome man and this ham's dog is going to be Fat Bastard with clinical depression.

Also, Lemmy knows how to give high fives. He's an awesome dog.