Hello everyone, it's me, back again with another tale. This one is in the Nana the Ham series (because it does deal with her) but more of the “muh cundishuns!” comes from... well... you'll see. On the upside, you can see that I do, in fact, have a spine. I know, it's a big surprise. This is a real long one, I apologize for my long windedness. As per the usual, there's a TL;DR at the end though.

Prologue Birthday Breakdown

Cast:

The_Edgemeister- 5'8 208lbs. Salty depressed sack of shit. Has a sailor mouth.

Mom- 5'6 190lbs. A little bit of a bitch sometimes. Stroke survivor with full mobility.

Lisa- 6'2 ???lbs. Former PCA (among many other odd jobs), current hardcore partier. Skinny as fuck.

KL- 5'6 ???lbs. WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT. A PCA who actually gave her 2 weeks notice later in the day this story took place and she never showed up again. Fat enough to waddle. Did less than the bare minimum required for her job.

Nana- 5'5 250lbs. Stroke survivor who REFUSES to try and regain mobility.

On with the show!

be me

at home rocking the fuck out to Primus and playing World of Warcraft

phone vibrates

text from mom

[verbatim text] “ur nana's on the bathroom floor kl dropped her lisa's here too but we cant lift her”

I, being the good (not so) little grandchild I am, I fucking get off my ass to go drag my grandmother off that cold shitter floor and into the warm sanctity of her wheelchair. It started to rain as I approached the house- I'm not sure if it was the good lord himself crying for me or just coincidence.

walk into grandparents' house, accidentally slam door

Mom, Lisa, and KL are all in the kitchen

walk back to the bathroom

Nana on floor, wheelchair off to the side, bathroom rug scrunched up

Nana looks up at me like a kicked puppy and says she's sorry like a billion times like she wants us to pity her even more

Lisa and Mom both stack up in the bathroom doorway, KL is nowhere to be seen.

”We both have bad shoulders, so we figured you could do it.”

i squat down behind Nana, in what would have been a prime twerking position if there wasn't a bathtub behind me and if I had an ass

almost go Super Saiyan as I hook my arms around Nana and lift her up/into her wheelchair

WHY DOES SHE SMELL LIKE BAD CLAMS? AM I GOING TO ABSORB THE SMELL?

THINK OF THE GOOD TIMES FROM WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, IGNORE IT

set her down in her wheelchair, the acrid sent of rotten fish firmly in my nose

Mom wheeled Nana back out into the kitchen, where she got a cup of coffee. Lisa and KL were having a full blown argument on the porch. Mom and I both went outside with the pretext of needing a cigarette (in Mom's case) and it being too hot in the house (in my case). Nana bought it. The following exchange is left verbatim.

Lisa: WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK HER UP?

KL: It's not my job-

Lisa: Bull-fuckin'-shit it's not your job- YOU'RE A PERSONAL. CARE. ASSISTANT. For FUCK'S sake.

KL: I HAVE BAD KNEES! I DIDN'T WANT TO GET HURT! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT SKINNY PEOPLE LIKE HER [points at me] AND YOU [points at Lisa] LIFT BETTER ANYWAY

Lisa: In this line of fuckin' work you can't afford to let a client fall- fuck your knees, what if she broke a leg or hit her head? What the fuck would you have done then?

KL: I am not supposed to be-

My gut feels like it's on fire and I'm seeing shades of pink here. What is this? Am I dying? My back hurts- what is this feeling? Is that a spine I feel growing in?

mfw

gotta say something

try to stay polite and beta

Me: Look here you worthless sack of shit- what is your fucking job description? You're making good fuckin' rates here and I know you can't afford to try to suck enough dick to get a job after this one, what the fuck gives? You are a personal. Care. Assistant. You are supposed to give CARE. When Papa hears about this, he's going to be fucking LIVID and it's gonna be your fault.

i tried

I walked away, undermined any badassery I had just built up by tripping on the door jamb, and headed back into the house. I acted like nothing was wrong. I sat down, talked to Nana for a bit, and then went back outside. Papa pulled up (he actually took off from work because Mom called him) and gave KL the what for before leaving again. My grandfather is a scary man when he yells. Everything... kind of goes back to normal. KC approaches me as I'm washing the dishes so Papa won't have to do it when he gets home.

KL: So... are you done being mad at me? I know you're just angry with me because I weigh so much.

wat

KL: If I were skinny, you probably wouldn't be so mad.

w a t

Me: No, you worthless tub of shit lard. I'm angry with you because you let my grandmother- who I love with my entire icy heart, fall. You let her fall. You didn't even fucking TRY to pick her back up, you just called my Mom. Considering you tote around all that fucking weight all the god damn time, you probably could have taken the 30 seconds to lift her and been done with it without doing much more than you usually do- which is nothing. If I find out that she's hurt after all this... I'm going to break your fucking legs.

KL performs her best impersonation of a fish out of water, her mouth opening and closing rapidly

KL walks over to the coat rack, then out onto the porch for about a half hour in which she managed to chain smoke an entire 3 packs of cigarettes. I found all the cigarette butts flicked onto the porch/lawn.

she waddles back in, and addresses my mother instead of me

”Do me a favor and give Tom my two weeks notice, would you?”

room is silent

i turn around

”Do it yourself, you fat cunt.”

KL waddles as fast as she can out of the house

I apologized for my language, and the day proceeded as normally as it could. Mom, Lisa, and I all stayed with Nana until Papa got home from work. Everything was fine... until my shoulder started hurting the next day. But that's a tale for another day. KL called and gave her two weeks notice... and never showed up again. Oh, and it turns out she had been eating her fair share of my grandparents' food (read: almost fucking all of it) while working there. The end.

TL;DR Fat piece of shit PCA let's Nana fall, tries to use excuses after I get there and actually lift her. Alphaness ensues, she quits and doesn't come back.

Oh, and deep down I can't help but feel like the mentioned PCA's behavior with excuses and such might have imprinted on her just a little bit. But tomato tomato, I don't know. Tune in next time: same fat stories, same fat channel.