Greetings my friends! I'm back (complete with a horrifically sporadic posting schedule!) Did you miss me? I missed you. Sorry for the sporadic posting, I've recently acquired a new baby that needs a lot of work and it's been very distracting.

Today's tale is from my birthday earlier this year, in May. It was... well, you'll see.

Prologue

Before I begin, our cast:

The_Edgemeister- 5'8 208lbs. Made of salt. Knows they're fat. Was Borderline Diabetic a few years ago, somehow managed to avoid it.

Papa- 5'7 200lbs. Looks like Santa. Best Grandpa ever. Extremely reserved. Loves fishing and beer. Not Diabetic.

Mom- 5'6 190lbs (ish?). Stroke survivor who did not give up but turned into a rather bad parent. Type II Diabetic.

Nana- 5'5 250lbs. Stroke survivor who's given up and turned into a ham. Type II Diabetic.

Now, onto the story!

Earlier in May of this year I had a birthday. My usual birthday thing is to wake up late in the day and go down with my mother to have dinner with my grandparents. I choose the meal, cook it, we eat, done. Not so hard, it's usually the same thing every year (steak, potatoes, asparagus, sauteed mushrooms) and at this point we all have the routine down pat.

I'm going to skip ahead halfway through the day, because I'm pretty sure hearing about how I talked about various subjects with my Papa and helped him work in the yard isn't entertaining in any way.

be me

standing on porch

enjoying that sun

hovering around the barbecue because I like my meat rare

Nana somehow manages to wheel over next to me

”Those look good. Hope there's enough to go around!”

wheels away

There are four good sized steaks here. Why wouldn't there be enough?

a bit later, the steaks are all done. Hallelujah, I can't wait to sink my teeth into this ribeye.

take them inside, set them down, everyone gets food, etc.

get food last because I had to go turn off the barbecue and finish watering the plants

sweet baby Jesus the asparagus is so crisp I could just nut right here

tuck in to eat, and I hear it. The sound of death.

Now, before we go any farther, I have misophonia. Wet chewing/eating sounds... they make me want to hulk out and break shit. My family knows, and most of them are nice enough to try to eat quietly with me around. Or I just eat outside alone.

lip smacking

that weird teeth sucking that sounds like “Tsk”

nearly sexual sounding MMMMMMs

I took a glance over to see Nana tearing in to a large pile of sauteed mushrooms on her plate. Not just a pile really- her plate was just 95% potatoes and mushrooms (which both were covered in Paula Deenian levels of butter). The steak (presumably cut up into tiny bites by my mother) sat untouched. There was a single green strand of asparagus sitting next to it. This loud eating thing- normally she's quiet as a mouse when she eats. She's doing this on purpose.

that plate is mostly carbs and she- fuck it

just want to eat

stiffen posture, cross legs

dat hostile body language

eat as fast as humanly possible while Nana seems to be gaining some form of a religious experience from eating

internally screaming the whole time

about to fucking cry because I don't process emotions right

I stood up to rinse my plate off and leave it in the sink. Out of curiosity, I looked over to see if there were any mushrooms left.

”Oh, would you like some mushrooms?”

turn around

nana is gesturing at her plate, which still has a large pile of mushrooms on it

”No... thank you....”

she smiles at me and goes back to eating in a way that would make Jabba the Hutt cringe

I sat back down at the table for a minute, just in case Mom or Nana wanted to talk or whatever.

Nana sets down fork

picks up a long chunk of steak WITH HER HAND

puts about half of it in her mouth and chews it so I can hear the meat tearing

look over at Mom

make direct eye contact

isthisthereallife.exe

I caught my reflection on my phone's screen while checking the time. I was getting so worked up I swear to god I was turning puce.

hostile body language to the max

wanting to yell at Nana

too beta, clam up and continue turning a new shade of puce

nana eats another bite using HER HAND and not a fucking FORK

stops abruptly after 2 chews, spits it out into her hand and back onto the plate

gonnavomit.flac

”This meat isn't very good... is there any other steaks?”

i seasoned her steak directly to her specifications.

she reaches up and pulls stuck steak from that weird spot where her dentures meet her gums

i have reached maximum puce.

”I don't think I'm going to eat this.”

i slaved over that steak. I made sure everything was perfect. I babied the grill so it wouldn't be overdone for her.

YOU HAVE INSULTED MY CAPABILITIES AS A COOK

I stood up and excused myself to the restroom just to decompress for a moment or so.

get up

”Probably going off to arrange a meeting, what a whore. [laughs]”

wat

WAT

DID MY FUCKING GRANDMOTHER JUST CALL ME A WHORE

single tear drips down my face

single tear becomes multiple tears

hang out in there for like 5 minutes and relay my plight to friends over mobile skype

venture back out into the living room from hell

I walked over and sat down back in my chair at the table. Mom and Papa were both standing by the oven, getting some seconds. I was glaring, was all tensed up, etc. The dullest of people could have understood I was angry. But Nana didn't even acknowledge it and attempt an apology.

Nana looks at me

I look at her

she repeats the whore statement

Papa and Mom freeze

urgetokillrising.murder

”C-could you please not say that again?”

trying to be polite

she ignores me and continues eating like a pig while looking at me

I would tell you that I did something alpha here and called her out, but no. I walked outside with my phone and listened to music while crying until Mom was done with her dinner and I drove her home. The whole situation worked me up so badly I think I cried for a good... 45 minutes, give or take. It was shit.

TL;DR Nana the Ham calls me a whore, deliberately eats like a pig, refuses to eat the best part of a meal that I made, and ruined my birthday.

So yeah... 0/10. I realize this is also very underwhelming when it comes to fatlogic.... but I can promise you the next part will have more than enough of it to make up for that. Next installment coming soon, I promise.