Hello my scrumdiddlyumptious shitlords! Long time lurker, first time poster, etc. This tale literally just happened to me earlier today when I went out shopping to get some stuff for dinner tonight. Sorry if the greentext is shit, first time working with it.

Be me, 215lbs 5'8 generic human being

Usually pretty nice (and beta), unless I'm having a shit day

Today is a shit day

Standing in express lane at some shitty chain store

Looking like I hate the world and want nothing but the sweet embrace of death

Buying things to make burritos (and a Cherry Coke because I love the beetus juice)

Making canned small talk with the cashier because it's a slow day for the poor dude

My groceries are wobbling, tiny candy bars and novelty items fly off the shelves

The building's foundation creaks and groans

Oh god is the '64 Earthquake repeating itself

Don't turn around because I don't want to see what's causing this

Hear a sound like someone gargling phlegm

”HPFFM HPFFM”

Cashier attempts to continue our conversation, I give him the money

”HPFFFFFFFM HPFFFFFFM”

Something rams into me and almost knocks me down

”HPFFM, EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND LOADING MY GROCERIES?”

Turn around

400lbs of pure hell sitting on a Scootypuff

The ham is wearing the skimpiest clothing I've ever seen- nothing but short spandex and a nearly see-through top with a bra that could probably have held off the German invasion of Paris by itself

MFW

I turn back around grab my groceries

”HPFFFM-”

I say goodbye to the cashier and continue on my way, having paid for my sins and groceries

Pause to put change in my pocket before walking away

Halfway behind the checkout, near the door

thesmelloffreedom.exe

”YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST HELPED ME- I HAVE A KNEE CONDITION YOU SKINNY ASSHOLE!”

Turn back to face the ham

”YOU COULD AT LEAST GIVE ME A HAND!”

Our eyes lock

Her beady brown eyes look into my baggy blues

I reach up, and give her a round of applause before walking away

As I walk away and out the door, I hear a faint whalesong

damnitfeelsgoodtobeagangsta.mp4

TL;DR Ham wanted a hand with her groceries. I delivered.