So I've never been a fan of online dating. Being Catfished or murdered ranked up there as my 2 main fears of the online world so I kept my distance and stuck to meeting people in person.

I met a girl while walking my dog in the park. She actually came up to me (or just my dog) and told me I was really cute. She said she was actually just leaving but would love to get my number. So I gave it to her because that NEVER happens to me and I was pretty stoked.

2 days of texting (didn't think to ask for facebook) and getting to know each other later, she suggests meeting me for coffee. So I get to the coffee shop and wait outside on the patio. That's when some random boulder wearing a dress with fabric that is way too thin walks over and says "Are you CatfishedCmon?"

Me: Yeah. Sorry, have we met?

Boulder: Yeah. One second.

Then she calls over to someone in a booth. It's cute girl from the park. Oh so she wanted her friend to check me out first. A bit weird but I can go with it.

Park Girl and Boulder come over and lay on the weirdest plot I've ever heard in my entire life. Apparently Boulder saw me in the park and asked park girl to ask me out for her. So she got my number, gave it to boulder and let us bond via text. Now she was coming clean so I could learn the truth and bond in person. The weirdest part is Park girl and Boulder had an expression like they thought what they did was completely rational.

Me: That has to be the strangest idea I've ever heard. How could you possibly think this could go well?

Boulder and Park girl went on about how Boulder is shy but really wanted to get to know me. Something about how I wouldn't respond if she asked because she has fat or thyroid or whatever bullshit she was spewing.

Me: I'm going to get a coffee now and leave. Please don't try this on anybody else. It's incredibly disrespectful and deceptive.

I go in for my coffee and Boulder is crying while Park girl rubs what I assume is part of her back (or shoulders? the rolls were everywhere). Barista was short with me and seemed annoyed that I was even talking to her. I guess from the outside in, it looked like I'm the jerk who turned down Boulder for being fat. I wasn't in the mood to let this go. I called the barista out on being snippy with me. She unloads about how I could have done that nicer and I shouldn't have been rude just because she's bigger.

So I say loud enough for everyone to hear : "I don't care that she's fat. I do not like being lied to. That's not something I look for in partners or friends so both of them are not eligible for either position."

People were still giving me death stares but I don't care. I got my coffee and went home. Now whenever I think about that situation, I can laugh for hours at the irony. I avoided online dating to not get catfished and get catfished anyway!