Hi everyone! So I’ve had this idea for quite some time but I just can’t seem to get myself to actually sit down and write. Every time I get to the point where I’m like “great I think that’s enough plotting for now” SOMETHING happens where I start over and take another month of plotting and outlining. I wanted to just get down the basic premise and and have you all critique me as harshly as possible to give me the kick in the butt to either finally start writing or to keep fleshing this world out :)

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The story takes place within an archipelago called Quisqueya that’s separated by a central point called The Wastelands, where storms known as Wastefall originate and spread out westward (towards the Primary Islands) and eastward (towards the Eastern Remnant). With Wastefall comes two key things: precious and versatile gems called “thunderstones” & horrific creatures known as “Behemoths”.

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In the West lie the Primary Islands- Capula, New Arclight, and Batay. Each island contributes uniquely to the overall well-being of the Primaries, and own respective areas of land (smaller islands). Capula is primarily involved in lawmaking and keeping order/conservative values; New Arclight is primarily responsible for technological advancements using thunderstones, most notably the Domes that protect the capital city of each Primary; and Batay is primarily responsible for military power and dealing with Behemoth sightings following Wastefall.

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In the East lie the Eastern Remnant, a chain of islands severely damaged through Wastefall and the previous war against pandrins (magic-wielders, more on them later). Much of the animal life on these islands adapted to unique conditions, producing tame and friendly Behemoths that happily interact with the island natives, the Pari. The Pari are split into over 20 different groups, each with their own dedicated Behemoth they travel and interact with. Traveling occurs periodically for the Pari, as they have adapted with their Behemoths to follow the migration of bodies of water known as “glogwos” across different islands. This migratory pattern is known as a Roam.

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As mentioned before, Wastefall produces thunderstones. These thunderstones have two very different purposes between the Primaries and the Eastern Remnant. The Primaries use thunderstones quite practically: weapons, Domes, technology, etc. The Eastern Remnant, on the other hand, use the stones for medicinal purposes and a long forgotten/frowned upon battle strategy. Among the Pari are those with the rare Whitehair trait, where with the ingestion of a thunderstone the individual goes through the motions of battle until their death, after which they go back to the point in which they ingested the stone and are able to now experience all alt actions that could result in their victory and not their death. Not much is understood about this ability but it’s consequences are quite psychological, and so over time the trait has been unspokenly forbidden.

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30 years prior to the start of the story an event occurred known as the Pari Massacre, a 48 hr genocide on the Pari people at the hands of the Primaries following a skirmish at a glogwo that resulted in the murder of the then-prince of New Arclight. Since then the two sides have been stuck in battle, with the Wastelands serving as a No-Mans-Land type of zone for the past six years.

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During these six years, King of Batay Tokomey Alasa, alongside Second Prince Tahazie Alasa, have accompanied the united forces of Batay and New Arclight in the Wastelands. One behalf of Capula are the hired might of Pol Abin, leader of essentially a merry band of pirates. These pirates like of “floats” and deal with trade between the Primaries along the difficult to navigate seas.

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In Tokomey’s absence his first born son, Toussan, has been acting as King (position referred to as Primo). During his time as Primo, Toussan has had to deal with rising debts, civilian tensions against the war & Batay’s involvement, and countless political plots amongst eager rivals of Tokomey. Despite doing a fair job at dealing with all this, Toussan’s progressive acts have recently sparked a damaging riot that’s resulted in the need for the Dome above the lower class districts needing to be opened to air out the smoke from fires. This riot has resulted in the Dome in the lower districts being opened for three days prior to the customary opening that lines up with an upcoming eclipse. Some see this as a political attack against the poor, others remark at the practicality of the decision.

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Tokomey and Tahazie return to Batay the morning of the eclipse and deal with all that’s changed in their absence. All goes smoothly for the day up until the post-eclipse celebrations. To the shock of everyone, one for the Princes drops dead from an apparent poisoning, a poisoning that gives Tokomey flashbacks to the incident 30 years prior. Batay then divulges into a whodunnit kind of mystery, with Tokomey’s attention clearly pivoting back to being a King rather than returning to the Wastelands.

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I’ve vaguely come up with a character that would act as the investigator of the crime named “Hasira.” One version of her character is a standard investigator called a Questioner, who was already in attendance of the scene of the crime due to a cryptic message she received earlier that day that told her the king was going to be killed. Another version of her character is an artist whose scribbles she’s come to realize may be prophetic, and seeks to come to Batay to stay with her Questioner aunt after she’s deduced her drawings signal the murder of the king. Tbh I have a bunch of different versions of her character but I generally want her to be the investigator with a twist, in some way.

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MEANWHILE with the Pari I want to focus on a trio of Pari named Kotoyee, Willa, and Carrod. Kotoyee is the father of Willa and Carrod, who lost his hearing during initial days of the war following the Pari Massacre. Not taking after either of her parents, Willa is a rare Pari Whitehair. Not taking after any of his family members, Carrod has black hair streaked with white. It is also important to note that Carrod is the adopted son of Kotoyee, who found him on the battlefield hidden among the bushes.

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Following the eclipse the Pari are overwhelmed with the united forces of New Arclight and Pol Abin, who is growing more and more vicious in his actions against them. The Pari are struggling amongst themselves as to whether or not they should begin utilizing their Whitehair abilities in the fight to ensure their survival. In their particular sect, Willa is the only Whitehair.

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Carrod often has vivid dreams that he keeps to himself. Nightmares that tend to randomly come back to him in deja-vu like moments. One particular nightmare comes back to him during a dangerous encounter with an uncharacteristically hostile Behemoth, resulting in the death of another innocent Pari.

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The story of the Pari is kinda where I get muddled because I want to incorporate a chosen one kind of element but I’m struggling to do so. Does it even sound like it needs that?

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Like I said, any critique, the harsher the better, are welcome :) it’ll probably take me a few more years to get confidence to post here again so any words are appreciated!