I have been struggling to write for a long time now. I have an idea that I like and I think it's good. I just have a massive problem getting the words out, to create the picture that I want.

I wrote this short piece, it's 614 words. And I would very much want your critique and opinions on it. It's only one scene but I guess I want to know if it's any good at all, I feel like it's clunky and flat in a way.

Thank you in advance.

Edit: I have started to rewrite the whole thing just now. Changing from third person to first as one of you suggested. Will try and see if that is more comfortable

Edit 2: I have finished the re-write, haven't really gone over it more than once though but I think it turned out better now at least.