Hi All,

I'm currently writing a fantasy epic set in a fictional empire similar to Achaemenid Persia. I'd love some feedback on the prologue and first chapter of my novel.

The basic synopsis is as follows:

Khaira san-Kanaan, hailing from the Caliphate of Zoe, has just been anointed the Champion of Bel by the revered priests of the Pyramid of Bel. Her task is to raise up an army and spread the light of Bel across the heathen lands of Onun.

However, Khaira must prove worthy of this holy order. As a newly initiated warrior-priestess of the Pyramid, she has been tasked with leading a small contingent of soldiers, whose objective is to suppress the growing tensions in the Temetii province before they escalate into a full-blown Slave Uprising.

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Excerpt from "Daughter of Light"

1513th Year of the Sunlit Age

553rd Year of the Zoein Caliphate

5 Years Before the Reign of Caliph Amir bel-Beheshti san-Pasdar

“I dream a dream of sunlight and feldark. Of dawn and true night’s eternal conflict. I dream a dream of Sunfall.”

– Prophecy of High Priest Bahador Gilani

“Remember this always, you are a daughter of the Zue’Gei.”

The words of her father echoed upon the wind as it danced fitfully around Nazareth, urging her to come play, she ignored the soft whispering chime of the cool summer breeze as she stood on the edge of her village watching the contingent of soldiers grow larger on the silver and pink horizon. They were but shadows against the precarious rising of the sun, too far away to make out anything about them save for the fitful tugging of their banners. Her father had told her that they carried the sun with them, emblazoned upon fields of the sky – lapis lazuli – he had corrected himself.

Nazareth had asked what that was exactly. He said it was a kind of stone. What manner of men can put stone on cloth? The kind that carry the sun around.

Her father had woken her before the first glimpse of dawn. A soft hand shaking her gently, urging her not to wake her mother and brother. She had stared up into the dark, finding his face between the shadows. He urged her dress quickly and quietly whilst he slipped out of the warm yurt, their muffled movements drawing little more than deep slumbering groans from her mother. As she dressed in the dark; Nazareth’s thoughts returned to the truths she had recently learnt from her father and the elders. As she pulled on her boots, she knew that her days of dancing with the wind were over, thirteen sunrises had passed since the elders had summoned her to the Woman-maker’s tent, and as she had sat in unsure silence, secrets of womanhood and the tribe had been unfurled upon her childish ears.

She found her monklion cloak and pulled it around her as she slipped out of the yurt into the twilight dawn, a thin sliver of silver laced its way over the horizon, offering the world little more than a glimmer of the world. Above them, the stars twinkled softly, barely visibly against the thin smearing of clouds. Nazareth made sure to fasten the yurt closed behind her, keeping the warmth within from wandering out alongside her as she shivered beneath her heavy cloak. She found her father kneeling several paces from the tent, beside their smaller store yurt, his back to her as he fussed with something.

End of Excerpt.

I would love some critique on the opening 2 chapters, and specifically hear your thoughts on characterization, voice, pacing, and tone.

Balance is key, and I'm curious if the opening chapters need a bit more of breeze between the tension.

Thanks!

Link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IyrLyVG_HsbtFjSB9YRAAsUtPEs-rZBl2_acOLSnroQ/edit?usp=sharing