Daemian Hawk Three days ago I confessed to my family about me being pagan, believing in Mother Earth. That night my sister argued with me on how I saw afterlife...I must admit telling her about my view on the afterlife was and is a mistake, one that I still regret.

I let my emotions take over the argument and I lost it, including my sister's respect. That night I felt like a horrible person. Then my mother had her turn and broke me, saying it was her and my fault for this to happened and that I should have been sent to a Madrasah. They might send me this time.

I wanted to commit suicide that night, I cried myself to sleep that night. Both my sister and my mother made me think of returning to Islam but out of pity and no true sense of loyality to allah. For which I think is not a good reason to worship.

Last night I watched a video my mother told me to watch, of an Imam calling my goddess a lie, a creation of Allah. Not a word of his convinced me of anything. They told me I can't leave the religion and if I could I didn't even understand Islam to do it.

Today my mother repeated to me that Allah is always there showing signs, but all I see is a tyrant. My mom told me my father is thinking of whether or not he is going to confiscate my devices so I don't learn anything more about Paganism. They say I don't question my belief. I couldn't tell them because I was afraid but I was happy in my new belief and they told me i only believe in it because it gives me comfort. They are wrong, I still feel fear but not like how Islam gives it.

What broke me the most was that my mother said I broke everyone's trust in me...I believe it and I hold trust and respect in a high regard.

I feel alone, I only feel my gods with me but I want people to be beside me to help me but I know they won't be there. So this may be my last post and might be nonsense. But I'll try my best to reply until I can't. Sorry for the drama and long ass post. Thank you for reading, may all of you find peace