I don't know where else to post this. I'm really fucking angry and I just want to vent. I clearly can not talk to someone about this so here I am because you'll understand me best. I realize day after day how much Islam has taken from me. Let's skip the countless hours I spent memorizing the entire Quran as a child ( without understanding shit ) and hadiths and studying religious crap while others were playing and enjoying themselves ,and the nights I spent praying and crying and begging and still thinking it's not enough, and let's also skip all the fun I had to sacrifice because that's not what I was created to do and all I was meant to do is worship. What hurts the most right now is the fact that I am almost 20 and I can't hold a two minute conversation with a girl, and I feel it's gonna ruin me.

Growing up, I was taught to lower my gaze and avoid any contact with a girl and it really messed me up and I'm suffering from the consequences of this fucked up way of living now. I was a fucking kid that didn't know nothing and I had to refuse to shake hands with my 10 yo cousin. I was okay with it too and I used to ignore every girl who's ever showed interest, and now I'm so awkward around women it's so embarrassing and frustrating.I can't even believe the young me did actually believe in all of that.

Also not having any female friends made me think of women as some different from another world creatures that are "fitna" and evil and they're only there to guide you to hell. What's worse is that the isolation I forced myself into made me fetishize everything that has to do with the other sex. Seeing a girl, covered or not, hurt. I remember getting aroused by looking at a girl's hand at 18 and feeling bad for it( I hate how Islam has to make you feel bad for basically everything. I used to resist the urge to masturbate for weeks and when I finally give up and do it, I feel like the most worthless piece of shit on the planet, while some guy hundreds of years ago used to have sex with slaves then go out to pray duhr like he just did the world a favor.) I'd love to believe that I moved on, but it is still haunting me, I feel that I missed on a lot of experiences that are important. My childhood is gone, and I'm just having an existential crisis while my friends are having fun with their girlfriends. I used to disrespect them for that and now I wish I had what it takes to be like them.

Even after getting rid of the absurd rulings, the anxiety came and I found myself struggling to have meaningful conversations with my female classmates. I'm not introverted, I'm popular among the boys and I can easily make male friends but once I have to talk to a woman I panic and I've noticed that my first reflex is to look for a way out, only to regret it later and feel terrible, and I blame islam for that.

Anyway, thank you for reading all of that. And if you had the same problem, I'd love to know how you managed to overcome this, if you ever did.