There are only a few things holding me back from leaving Islam. One, my mom taught me Islam in a loving way and told me to reject any of the Hadiths and Quran translations that seemed sexist/cruel/like it didn’t come from a loving God. So that basically means not following mainstream Islam and following our own made up version of it. I always believed in God and there’s just no way that he’s as cruel as ultra-conservative Islam makes him out to be.

Another reason why I’m holding off leaving is disappointing Allah. I know this sounds contradictory because I just said that God can’t be cruel but back when I was following a lot of salafi ideas I learned online, and not from my mom, I became really fearful and religiously traumatized. I would have panic attacks every day and my dad had to give me anxiety medication to calm me down.

I also like to have a set of guidelines to follow. I don’t care if other people are gay or worship other Gods as long as they don’t hurt other people. But one value I have is wanting to wait until marriage to lose my virginity. If I leave Islam, im not sure if I’ll find a like-minded non-Muslim partner who also wants to wait until marriage with me.