Hey all,

This is an update to the post I submitted about a week ago: http://www.reddit.com/r/exmuslim/comments/19nvmx/so_i_just_came_out_to_my_parents/

So, like the previous case, I'm not in the best of states of minds right so please do excuse any errors you might find.

Here goes: today I got home early, because I only had work and no school, good thing. When I got home- err. Perhaps it's better to say how my parents reacted to my whole coming out. They were pretty okay with it I guess, if that includes slowly dying from the inside.

My mother said that she'll do anything to make me "come back" even though it'll take all of her energy and all of her years, even years. Yes she said that. My dad just ignores me and each time he sees he tells me that I'm too ignorant to make such a "decision".

Well, back to today's story. So when I got home and started eating dinner with my mom while my father was watching TV. I casually mentioned that I quit my job, she asked why and I said that I wanted to go on a vacation trip to Japan (which is true).
Pause, the reason why I said vacation is because I'm a coward, I couldn't tell them I was moving out so I decided to go with a vacation in the coming two weeks, while the actual trip to Japan won't be happening until June. Play, she looked at me with a shocked expression, much like the one she gave me when I told I wasn't a Muslim. But not that hardcore of course.
So now we skip through stereotypical talks of how they are idolaters, all of those Asians think Buddha is god and that they only eat monkeys and dogs. Somehow they had completely forgotten that:
a) I'm not a Muslim anymore, so religion doesn't matter to me b) I'm a vegetarian, which I've already told them before my coming-out.

The conversation ends with my mom pushing me to go to the USA there, because she has her two cousins there who are both doctors and have big houses and horses and stuff. Instead of going to Japan where I will be with people I don't know in a land full of idolaters no less. So I told her I'd think about it, because it seemed a little tempting to do a Japan-USA trip, but as I was searching for ticket prices online my dad called me downstairs.

There I saw my father putting his coat on with my mother sitting on the couch holding her head and heart with a blood pressure measuring device next to her (my mother's side of the family has a history of unstable blood pressure, hers it too high, mine is too low). My dad then tells me that he's taking her to the ER because she's not feeling well. He goes outside to take the snow off of the car before leaving.

So as she's waiting for him I ask her if she wants to go to her room, and I help her get there because she couldn't even stand up on her feet. She lies down on her bed and I try to begin to ask her what happened. She just replies "do you really not know why I'm like this?". She says that when I came out to her she almost died and that it's a miracle that she survived, and now this new shock of wanting to go to Japan apparently sent her over the edge. I ask her what she wants from me, what she wants me to do, she doesn't answer. I try to stay as calm as possible and hold her hand while my dad's outside. Get her a glass of water and stuff. She also said that "that news" was "just like someone told me that you had cancer or an accident or died".

Then when my father's finally ready I walk her outside in the snow in my t-shirt and sandals and see them drive off. When I get inside I go up to my desk and just sit and hold my head for thirty minutes and think of what to do. I already sacrificed to much to get here, and I was at the point at either I sacrifice myself for my parents' sake, or my parents for my own sake. And myself includes all of the 38hrs/week work I've done and money earned from it and spent on my apartment preparing to move out.

And that's when I do it, the choice that will probably keep me awake this whole night. I stand up, take out my suitcase and fill it up with all of my close, conserving as much space as possible. I put my laptop in its bag, my Windows 8 tablet in my schoolbag, passport, birth certificate, everything I need (at least that's what I think). And that's when I sit back down with a blank piece of paper and a pen. I try to explain in word what I've been through and what I'm going through right now, I try to explain with words, and tears in my eyes that I'm not trying to kill them but clearly only my wanting to go on a trip is making them sick. I try to explain that I want to keep contact and that I love them and that this is not farewell. Basically I try to pour my heart out, as they say. I finish the goodbye letter with two full sheets.

Put my clothes on, take my bags, kiss my cat Chanel goodbye for what I hope isn't the last time, I'm always the one that feeds her. And go outside, it's 10:30 pm, -10° C., not that cold but there's a snow storm, and I walk the one kilometer street that leads to the bus stop, wait 30 minutes, the bus comes (all of this with my phone switched off because I couldn't handle it if they called me then) I step in and ride towards Brussels. Get to the city, take the metro. At 00:45 get to my stop and wait for the bus, get in the bus and step off at the terminus. Now I'm at 600m from my new apartment that I've been preparing for the last two months. Get my keys, open the door (get on the floor), and see that I'm alone. It's dark, I can't see anything, forgot where the switch was, and I'm alone.

Now I'm at my new desk in my new apartment in Brussels. Everything I ever wanted from the start right? Ever since I became an atheist right? Then why do I feel like I want to cry, but I also feel like a person like doesn't even deserve to cry. You know what's worse than being a closeted ex-Muslim in an oppressive family? Being with a family that loves you, loves you so much that they literally go to the ER so much they can't accept who you are. Or I don't know, what do I know? I might be wrong, I'm just a kid after all.

I wonder how long it'll take till I break down in the bus or at school or in the streets. I wonder.