Short but mention of SA will italicize if you want to skip, or just don't read whatever works best for you. Thank you!

Also I want to say this is my first ever Reddit post so if I can do anything to better format things or whatnot just let me know. Thanks for all your patience.

I have been thinking a lot over the last few years about a lot of questions and things I had that were left unanswered or were told were going to be answered in due time. I just needed to listen and trust the prophet and not question why some things contradict themselves in godly revelation. So I pushed it down in my young women's lessons and seminary when those questions arose. I ignored my doubts and told myself to never touch the CES letter and to watch the videos filmed in the temples. I would be such a fucking sinner and I would be letting the devil plant seeds of doubt in my mind if I did.

But in high school I started to swear and felt so much guilt for it. But I told myself this was my trial. My thing I need to work on to prove to God I'm trying and I'm human but I don't want to be. I want to be like Him and His Son. But then I moved out and I entered into a relationship with a person going through the process of reading the CES letter and moving away from the church. And he already knew he didn't want anything to do with it, but just cause he liked to drink and smoke and whatever but he was curious what was out there.

He was furious when he found out how much he was lied to and all this shit that was hidden from us growing up. He encouraged me to read the letters because I wasn't super strong still, didn't go to church a lot and whatnot but I still kind of prayed and read my scriptures. I refused to because of my fear and I still haven't yet. But I do plan on starting tonight.

But in that relationship, I ended up losing my virginity and I drank for the first time. And it wasn't a choice to lose my virginity. But when we ended up breaking up I was like this is it. I'm out of the relationship so now I can truly start the repentance process because I'm not "participating" (not fighting it anymore) in this act. I'll confess to my bishop and I can take the sacrament again and go back to church and go on my mission! So I decided to tell my bishop that I had had sex in my previous relationship and he told me I did the right thing by coming to him and confessing and that I can't take the sacrament until I flush myself of this sin. He asked me when it first happened and the details. So I relived my trauma and his reaction was that I should have known better but now I do know better and I'm getting the Lord's help to clean me of this mistake.

I was shocked and hurt at my Bishop's reaction. I was expecting love and sympathy because I knew this wasn't a wanted choice I had made. That I wouldn't need healing of the sin but the attack. But I guess I was wrong. I needed to clean the sin then I could move forward. But I knew that was wrong. I just knew it in my gut. So I didn't show up to church again unless it was to play piano in a meeting, or watch my parent's/friends speak, and that was almost 7 months ago.

I finally broke in my curiosity because I knew I was never going to enter the temple and know so I watched the videos filmed in them. Those videos are what broke me. I had accepted that women would never receive the priesthood. Whatever, but I was taught by my family that men and women are equal. Husband and wife hold equal responsibility, and neither answer to each other but to God. But that wasn't what I saw in those "equal" ordinances. I saw women following men. I saw women saying that they were Queens and priestess who were to follow their husbands who follow God. I saw women having to cover themselves and men not having to. I saw the separation and the lack of love and peace but there was a holdback and worship of men. So that broke me. That was my nail in the coffin. What broke my heart because especially the sealing ceremony I thought there would be more love, joy, intricacy. But it was just looking at a dude and saying we will follow God and keep our ordinances and that was it. I was giving up writing beautiful vows of love and dedication for 3 minutes of dry promises not to my spouse but to an unknown being.

So I guess going through all this I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me. Everything I grew up for, gone. Like I was groomed to be "temple worthy" and I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to give my life up for a man. And I just feel so alone I guess. I don't know where to go besides here. And there are so many questions I now have like do I have worth? Am I going to hell? Am I making a mistake and falling into the trap of the devil? But I also knew that none of those questions were questions of love but fear so that was a red flag to keep running. That I shouldn't be scared of pain and loss, but scared I'm losing a good community kind of thing if I'm choosing to leave, but those aren't my concerns because I know I'm not losing good people because the good people will still choose to be here if they truly love me. SO that also makes me sad. I feel like I'm losing my life. Starting from scratch. I guess if y'all have any advice for people who are just coming to the conclusion that this ain't it chief, where do I go from here. Especially in these fresh moments of knowing it is all completely over, but having been raised and surrounded by it. (I grew up and still live in utah) Sorry this was so long. Thanks for riding with me. But yeah. I'm just so lost and confused and sad and scared but I feel so so so free. I have no more guilt or wondering what I'm doing wrong. Because it's nothing. I am whole as I am.